Episode 1

In Which Saffron Acquires New Responsibility and Our Heroes Have Kebab for Lunch

(Peri's desk phone rings)

Peri: Hello, this is the Magic Support Department. Peri speaking.

Saffron: Hiiii Peri! It’s Saffron. Listen Peri, super quick question. How do you kill a -

Peri: Reminder that these calls are recorded.

Saffron: Right, of course, I keep forgetting that. How do you kill a really bad vibe? Like, a mood that’s got my client trapped in this really nasty funk. How do you kill that?

Peri: Did you try something comforting like -

Saffron: Groovy! Thanks Per, you’re the best!

(Peri hangs up)

*Peri starts counting under her breath* 1.. 2…3…

(Peri's mobile rings)

Peri: He-

Saffron: UGH. I keep forgetting to call you on your mobile phone for this kind of thing. Hurry, how do you kill a zombie?

Peri: Why is there a zombie?

Saffron: Tell you later, promise. Over that kebab place you love so much.

Peri: Shot to the head ought to do it.

Saffron: Does it have to be like, silver, or something?

Peri: No that’s werewolves. Listen, you should really -

Saffron: Great, thanks, love you, bye.

(Saffron hangs up mobile)

(Peri's desk phone rings soon after)

Peri: Hello, this is Magic Support. Peri speaking.

Saffron: Peri, hi, how do you - oh wait.

(Saffron hangs up)

*Peri sighs*

(Peri's mobile rings again)

Peri: Hey Saffron.

Saffron: How do you FIND a zombie?

Peri: You LOST it?

Saffron: While we were talking yeah. I think that talk about murdering it freaked it out or something.

Peri: It understood you? Saffron, please make sure it’s an actual zombie before shooting it.

Saffron: Yeah, yeah, zombie finding. How.

Peri: Be quiet.

Saffron: Excuse me?

Peri: Just be quiet for half a minute.

Saffron: *grumbles loudly* FINE.

(a few seconds pass)

(another *sigh* from Saffron)

(a quick *shush* from Peri)

(a *scream* in the background)

Peri: Heard that?

Saffron: Yeah?

Peri: Follow that scream.

Saffron: Gotcha! Gotta fly.

(Saffron hangs up)

Peri: Saffron, Saffron, Saffron...

(Peri's desk phone rings)

Peri: Hello, Magic Support. This is Peri.

Tristan: (nervous voice) Uh, yeah… Hi.

Peri: Can I…. help you?

Tristan: Uh, Yeah. Yes please. I’m having trouble finding my assignment.

Peri: Uh, sorry, but are you sure you have the right number?

Tristan: Pretty sure, they even told me to ask for Peri.

Peri: Oh, sorry, it’s just not often we get, well, we never get, never mind. So assignment? You’re one of the co-op students?

Tristan: Yes, I’m in my first year..

Peri: Well, you’re not really supposed to call me for school work, but I’d take a look at your assignment sheet if I were you. If I remember The Academy correctly, there should be an “assignment name” or “target name” on there somewhere.

Tristan: Yes, I see it.

Peri: Great, now what part of the library are you in?

Tristan: Library?

Peri: Yes. Ask around for the magic mirrors.

Tristan: Pardon?

Peri: Don’t worry about it. I know they sound scary, but they’ll be happy to help. The magic mirrors are also the Distress Department here in The Company, and they are lovely. Obsessed with rhymes, but lovely.

Tristan: No, I mean, I’m not in the library anymore. I kind of left.. I left ages ago when I got my assignment.

Peri: You just left? Without researching anything at all?

Tristan: Uh.. yes?

Peri: Ugh, when’s this due?

Tristan: End of the day.

Peri: (takes calming breath) Okay, no problem. Who else is in your group?

Tristan: Um.. Just me.

Peri: Really? Is that even allowed?

Tristan: I don’t know, but it’s just me.

Peri: Oh boy, didn’t you notice your fellow classmates lining up to use the magic mirrors?

Tristan: Now that you mention it..

Peri: And you never thought to question why they’re doing it?

Tristan: I, um, … Nevermind, sorry to bother you. Bye.

(Tristan hangs up)

Peri: Ugh, stupid kid.

(drums fingers on table)

Peri: Ugh, Stupid kid!

(Peri starts dialing)

(Desk phone dial tone)

Professor Holle: Hello? This is the Academy, Head of the Fairy Godmother Department Professor Holle Speaking.

Peri: Hi, Professor Holle? It’s Peri.

Professor Holle: Why hello Peri! How are you?

Peri: Fine, you?

Professor Holle: Can’t complain dear, busy herding the co-op students on their first assignments today. The first time is always a trying experience.

Peri: That’s why I called actually. You seem to have this student. Um, I didn’t get his name.

Professor Holle: His name? You must mean Tristan.

Peri: Must be him. I was a… little surprised when I heard a male voice on the support line actually.

Professor Holle: I know, modern progressive thinking and all. You know we have to call it Fairy Godparenting now?

Peri: I guess that’s fair. I was just surprised, that’s all. Don’t your male students usually go for wizardry or knighthood or something like that?

Professor Holle: I know, men just don’t have the sensitivity, the style, the endless list of traits required to be a proper godmother.

Peri: (voice uncomfortable) Godparent, right?

Professor Holle: Sadly yes. Still, there’s nothing we can do, they’ll just have to fail on their own.

Peri: Or not. There’s always exceptions, right?

Professor Holle: Perhaps there is, but I’ve never seen one.

Peri: Listen Professor Holle, about your Tristan. He called a while ago, not sure who gave him my number, but he seems lost.

Professor Holle: *sighs* predictable.

Peri: He didn’t seem to know that assignments need prepping.

Professor Holle: The older girls in each group were supposed to give a quick tutorial in wish granting. I find it’s a great way to work on their communication skills. Lots of Speech Making in Fairy Godmother - er, Fairy Godparenting.

Peri: He seemed to be working alone.

Professor Holle: Is he? I’m not surprised. This one seems to be having a hard time socializing with his peers. Another important aspect of Fairy Godparenting.

Peri: I guess it must be hard being the odd one out. I don’t think he has enough time to get back to the library and finish. Any chance for an extension?

Professor Holle: That’s sweet of you to be concerned, but that wouldn’t be fair to the others now, would it? But don’t worry Peri. You remember how much field work we had to do during a year? One failure won’t count for much in the end.

Peri: Assuming he fails.

Professor Holle: (laughs) Right. We mustn’t assume.

Peri: (forced) haha, right you are Professor Holle. Wouldn’t want any unfairness.

Professor Holle: It’s pleasure speaking with you Peri. Come to my office for tea sometimes, please. Oh, and I’ll let it go this time, but students using Magic Support is rather like cheating, isn’t it?

Peri: Don’t worry Professor, it’ won’t happen again. Bye!

(Peri hangs up)

Peri: (mock voice) We mustn’t assume!

Peri: (muttering to herself) Directories, received calls, here we go.

(Peri dials number and phone rings)

Tristan: Hello?

Peri: Tristan, right? This is Peri, from earlier.

Tristan: Oh, hi.

Peri: Name?

Tristan: I’m sorry?

Peri: Your assignment. Name?

Tristan: Ivan Tsarevich. Why?

Peri: *typing loudly* Aaaaaandddd. Got it. Kid, this is your mobile, right?

Tristan: Yes.

Peri: I’m sending you the location. Just follow the directions.

Tristan: Just a minute.. Hey, he’s pretty close! But uh… it seems like the location is in a body of water? Is-is that a mistake?

Peri: This is fairy godparenting kid, just go with it! And no telling your professor I helped you.

Tristan: Are you not supposed to be doing this? I mean, thank you.

Peri: No problem, just find yourself a group next time, okay?

Tristan: I’ll - I’ll try. It’s just that the groups seemed already formed before I got there, you know?

Peri: What do you mean?

Tristan: It’s like they all know each other. Like everyone knew each other for a while, and just fell into groups before I showed up.

Peri: Oh, maybe you should talk to your mentor about this.

Tristan: Professor Holle is my mentor.

Peri: OH.

(desk phone rings)

I have another call. Good luck kid.

Tristan: Thanks for your help. I really appreciate it.

Peri: Sure, bye.

Peri: Hello, Magic Support. This is Peri.

Saffron: Hiya! The daisy has been repotted. I repeat, the daisy has been repotted.

Peri: Good to know Saffron. Should I close this assignment for you?

Saffron: Slam that sucker shut. What else have you got for me?

Peri: It looks like the girls at the Distress Department haven’t really found anything yet… but hey, you know how you’re the top fairy godparent around here?

Saffron: Best Wish Granter, Hero Guider, and Villain Foiler. I’m a walking talking Deus Ex Machina. Hard to imagine any story ending happily ever after without me.

Peri: It really is a hard thing to imagine.

Saffron: You trying to get me to pay for lunch Peri? Fine, Kebab on me. I’ll ask the cook to make them extra burnt just the way my favorite djinnia likes it.

Peri: That’s sweet of you Saffron. You’re so generous! You know what I was thinking? Combining those two wonderful traits of yours: generosity and talent, to give back to your field in a really meaningful way.

Saffron: Uh, what?

Peri: Helping the next generation of fairy godparents for example.

Saffron: Uh nope! The Academy has been trying to reel me into their stupid mentorship program for years. I work alone.

Peri: Okay, I understand. We really should focus on our own careers, shouldn’t we?

Saffron: True girl!

Peri: I could learn a thing or two from you.

Saffron: True again girl.

Peri: You know what, I will. From now on I’m going to be completely focused during work hours! I’ll start by turning my mobile off…

Saffron: Wait, what??

Peri: What?

Saffron: (super sweet voice) Hold on just one sec.

(Saffron teleports with a magical *poof*)

Peri: AAah! Don’t teleport without warning like that!

Saffron: (angry whisper in the background) Don’t do this to me Peri, you’re my secret weapon. I can’t be top fairy without you.

Peri: (also loud whisper) I know this kid that could really use your help Saffron. Besides, it would look really good on your resume!

Saffron: So?

Peri: So they look at that stuff when they decide who to promote? Why do you think Professor Holle does it every year? Goodness of her heart?

Saffron: Wait, will doing this somehow annoy the pompous Prof?

Peri: Maybe? Possibly? I’m not sure-

Saffron: I’m in!

Peri: Great, let me do the paperwork and -

Saffron: After lunch. Hang up and let’s go eat already.

Peri: Oh right.

(Peri hangs up)

(time passes)

(Peri's desk phone rings)

Peri: Hello?

(sound of fighting in the background)

(metal clashing and yelling noises)

Tristan: (panicked) Thank GOD, I’ve been calling for ages.

Peri: I was at lunch. What’s wrong?

Tristan: There was this frog, I mean this prince? It was Ivan! Then mermaids got the frog. Then hostage negotiations. And I guess that was going okay for a little while. Then this crazy fairy showed up, with tridents and - and - stabbing - and -

Peri: Oh, you met your new mentor!

Tristan: WHAT?

Peri: I just came back from sorting it out with your school. You can thank me later.

(huge wave sound and some screaming)

Tristan: (muffled yelling) DID I HEAR YOU RIGHT? Ouch.

Saffron: (shouting in the background) Take arms young Tristan and onward to victory!!


Tristan: She just threw a harpoon at me. I’m against violence. What do I do?

Peri: How about snatching that frog prince while the mermaids are distracted?

Tristan: Right… right.. I can do that.

Peri: And after that, ask Saffron to explain the mobile rule.

(Screaming in the background and Saffron yells *AHA*)

Tristan: I gotta go. (voice becomes distant) Frog Frog Frog. where’s that frog?

(Desk phone hangs up)