Episode 3

In Which the Titaness Confronts the Mermaids and Saffron Does Karaoke

(Peri mobile phone rings)

Peri: Hello?

Saffron: Peri!

Peri: Saffron! Where are you? I’ve waited for ages. I had to leave without you.

Saffron: Good, you got the twerp?

Peri: Yeah, he’s here. Where are you?

Saffron: Ugh, it’s like this. I asked the girls from the distress department if I could break our plans for tonight, and they said they were fine with it.

Peri: Right.

Saffron: But then you know how my mascara ran in the movie? (Stupid Andromeda and her perverse love of tearjerkers) When I went to the bathroom to fix it, all the mirrors started dripping something red and gross, and then the red, gross stuff spelled out “oathbreaker”.

Peri: That’s so passive aggressive.

Saffron: I know right? Gotta appreciate their flair for drama though. So we’re at Thrushbeard’s Tavern right now, I’m using the landline here.

Peri: I would have felt better if we had you with us. I don’t DO field work.

Saffron: Relax, I’ll talk you through it. What time is it?

Peri: Almost 10.

Saffron: I’ll stay on the line and be - hey, can I get a teeny umbrella on this?

Peri: Saffron, focus!

Saffron: Focus is my middle name!

Peri: Your middle name is Nutmeg!

(cheering in the background)

Saffron: Oooh, gotta go! But call the minute you reach the chowder heads!

(Saffron hangs up)

Thrushbeard: Thrushbeard’s Tavern.

Peri: Hi, is there a fairy called Saffron nearby?

Thrushbeard: I don’t see any fairies here.

Peri: Check the ceiling.

Thrushbeard: Yup. There’s one. (distant voice) Miss? Miss? The one with the wings. Phonecall for you.

Saffron: Hiiii girl! How’s it going?

Peri: We’re at the lake. Themis just went out to speak to the mermaids.

Saffron: How does it look?

Peri: Well, Themis still has her sword sheathed, so I guess it looks good so far.

Saffron: No, No, No. The lake, how does it look by moonlight?

Peri: Like a circle of water.

Saffron: Noooo… make me feel like I’m there!

Peri: Oh for - (shoves phone) here you try.

Tristan: Uh, It um, well it looks... peaceful, despite the the violent psychotic mermaids, the water looks calm. But not in a spooky way, like the few minutes before the monster shows up in a movie, but in a way that makes you feel like you can let your guard down and it would be okay. If somebody found a way to melt down serenity, I think it would probably look something like this lake.

Saffron: Blargh, sure you’re not a bard major half-pint? Haha, pint. Appropriate.

Tristan: Saffron, do you think you can get over here? Fast? I think Themis is about to get her sword out.

Saffron: What are they saying?

Tristan: They’re too far away, I can’t hear. The mermaids are swishing their tails like my cat when it’s angry.

Saffron: What’s your cat’s name?

Peri: Saffron!

Saffron: Okay, okay, maybe one of the distress department girls can help. Is there a reflective surface somewhere near them?

Peri: Well, the lake is full of ripples now so that won’t do… OH, Themis’s sword!

Saffron: Alright girls, use your weirdo magic to get inside that sword and let us know what’s going on.

Magic Mirrors: For a rightly phrased request

We shall spy at your behest

Peri: Oh Right. Umm:

Mirror, mirror, don’t make a fuss,

Won’t you please spy for us?

Magic Mirrors: * displeased MMmffff noise*

Peri: It’s the best I can do right now.

(Magic Mirrors show Peri the scene at the lake with a magical sound effect)

Themis: This is an unlawful abduction. Hand over the frog or face my blade.

Mermaid 1: Oh no, Oh no, abduction is a people word.

Mermaid 2: This is a frog, not a people.

Mermaid 3: He’s our pet, if you take him -

Mermaid 1: YOU’RE stealing from US.

Themis: You asked for it.

Mermaids: *hsss*

(sword unsheathing noise)

Tristan: Saffron, what do we do?

Saffron: Take photos!

Peri: Saffron!

Saffron: Oh, it’s my turn at karaoke. I have to go.


(Saffron hangs up)

(Peri calls back)

Thrushbeard: Thrushbeard’s Tavern.

Peri: Fairy again please.

(sound of scrambling and wood scraping as Saffron comes to the phone)

Saffron: Hiya Per! You called just in time, what’s the capital of Narnia?

Peri: What? Cair Pavel I think? Why?

Saffron: Trivia contest. Which I’m losing. The Distress Department girls know everything.

Peri: Saffron, you still can’t get away?

Saffron: Nope. Got the frog?

Tristan: Prince Ivan.

Peri: In my purse

Saffron: Great, hand the hopper in and come help me win the trivia contest.

Peri: That’s just it, we can’t. I’m outside the academy and we can’t get in. I forgot they lock it up at night. Please just excuse yourself for five minutes and pop in to hand in the frog - Prince Ivan.

Saffron: No can do Peri.

Peri: Why not? You pop into my office all the time.

Saffron: Indoor places are tricky. I can only pop into places I have permission to be in.

Peri: What are you, a vampire?

Saffron: Nuh huh! I can still sneak into places the good old fashioned way.. How do you slay a Jabberwock?

Peri: Vorpal blade to the head. How did you used to sneak in and out in your academy days?

Saffron: Hidden passageways, duh. There’s a loose brick by the cellar, can’t remember which, you’ll have to tap all of them, and then this passage shows up and I’m pretty sure you can take it from there.

Peri: All of them? Alright, we have to go.

Saffron: Wait, wait.

Peri: There’s only half an hour left Saffron.

Saffron: There’s a whole half hour left! Anyway, the girls want to talk to you.

Peri: Uh oh, they’re not mad about me giving you answers are they?

Saffron: Nah. They know you’re physically incapable of blurting out answers aaaand they’re gonna win this anyway. Here, talk to them.

Peri: Hello?

Magic Mirrors: Keep your touch nimble and light

Tap the third brick from the right

Peri: Thank you! You girls are angels. Go ahead Tristan.

Tristan: I’ll be right back. Come on Ivan.

Magic Mirrors: Beware the man with the black briefcase

Beware the man who changes his face.

Peri: Wait, do you mean hypocrites or literally some sort of face changing boogieman.

Magic Mirrors:

Peri: Well?

Saffron: Don’t bother Peri, it’s a fluttering miracle you got one straight answer out of them tonight.

Peri: I have to go. Make sure Tristan doesn’t get eaten. Or possessed. Or sacrificed to an eldritch demon or whatever it is that face changing creatures do.

Saffron: Pox and Pixies, the girls won again.

Peri: A) I told you not to use pixies as swears, it’s racist. B) I have to hang up now, since I have to go save YOUR protege.

Saffron: Pixies are annoying though. They take pride in that.

(Peri *groans* and hangs up)

Saffron: Hello? Helloooo? Oh well, who’s up for round two?

(Saffron hangs up)

(sound of answering machine *beep*)

Saffron: *mutters* Voicemail. Hi Peri, I’m home now. We gotta look into getting me a new mobile. These landlines are exhausting. You have to push so many buttons! And actually push, not just tap. How did we live like this? Anyway Peri, some pixie heard what I said earlier and told me it’s not cool. It’s one of those “only we can call ourselves that” deal. So I’ll be careful not to call all pixies annoying when a pixie is nearby, okay? Call me back.

(sound of answering machine *beep*)

Saffron: Why haven’t you called me back Peri? Fine, I’ll try really hard not to say pox and pixies again. If you ever hear it come out of my mouth, it’ll be a total accident, I swear. Now would you pleaassee just call me back?

(sound of answering machine *beep*)

Saffron: Again with the voicemail! Just call me already. Do you want me to cry? Is that it? Cuz I’m just about to. I’M ON THE VERGE OF TEARS PERI. Oh, and I thought of an advantage to landlines. Now i can do this:

(Saffron slams phone)

(sound of answering machine *beep*)

Saffron: Okay, I know you have a temper and all, comes with being made of fire, but this isn’t like you Peri. Something’s wrong isn’t it? Did something go horribly awry at The Academy? Was it the many faced man the girls warned us about? Or worse, Professor Holle?! Oh man, what do I do? How do I get help without admitting that I abetted a breaking and entering? Should I call Themis? I- hang, on, I have another call...

(Saffron answers her phone)

Saffron: Hello?

Peri: Saffron, why -

Saffron: Why haven’t you called me back?

Peri: I was -

Saffron: I was so worried! Where were you?

Peri: In bed. Sleeping. Saffron, do you have any idea how late it is?

Saffron: It’s not that - oh hey, it’s tomorrow.

Peri: Exactly. Why aren’t you asleep?

Saffron: I had a lot of sugar tonight.

Peri: Can I go to bed now?

Saffron: First tell me we’re cool.

Peri: We’re cool.

Saffron: You don’t sound cool.

Peri: Cool is my middle name.

Saffron: Your middle name is Ahmed.

Peri: (easing up) Yes it is. Goodnight Saffron.

Saffron: Good morning Peri.

Keyes: Goodnight to you both.

Saffron: Per? Is there someone there with you?

Peri: No, I thought it was coming from your end.

Saffron: Who is this?

Keyes: Keyes. Keyes is the name. At your service.

Peri: Where is your voice coming from?

Keyes: 8 o’clock tomorrow ladies. I’ll be in my office.

Peri: What? Why? How are talking to us?

Saffron: Does it have to be 8? I was hoping to sleep in tomorrow.

Peri: Hello? Hello?

Saffron: The fatigue is starting to hit me Peri. Like my brain registered that I’m actually dead tired when it saw the clock. Whatcha call it? Psychic Psychotic?

Peri: Psychosomatic.

Saffron: Right, right, that. Night Peri.

Peri: Uh, you know what I’m too tired to deal with this too. See you tomorrow Saff.

(Peri hangs up)