In Which Tristan Tries to Save the Frog Prince and Peri Makes a Joke That No One Understands
(Peri Mobile Phone Rings)
Peri: Tristan, where are you?
Saffron: Nevermind where, just get over here you little brat.
Tristan: But I -
Peri: Tristan, we are so disappointed in you.
Saffron: Disappointed nothing! We’re going to murder you the minute - the second! - I can get my hands on you, so get your sorry self over here NOW.
Tristan: To get murdered?
Peri: We’re not going to kill you, no Saffron, we’re not. We just want to understand what on -
Saffron: What in the name of Titania is going on in that tiny pea brain of yours.
Peri: Tristan, please just tell us where you are.
Saffron: Professor Holle is blaming me for all this, I hope you know.
Peri: Saffron - you’re not to blame.
Saffron: No, I’m not to blame. Tristan isn’t to blame either. It’s whatever idiot at the admissions office decided that man can do a woman’s job!
Saffron: Well, he’s proved me right, hasn’t he? Agh, maybe I shouldn’t blame the admissions. Maybe they just thought that Tristan was short for Tristania or something.
Peri: Saffron would you shut up for one minute! I’m sorry Tristan, please just tell us where you are and what you’ve gotten yourself into.
Tristan: Umm.. nevermind. I’m sure I can figure this out.
Peri: Come on Tristan, I’m sure Saffron didn't mean it.
Tristan: It’s okay. Really, it’s fine. I have to go.
(phone hangs up)
(Peri's mobile phone rings)
Andromeda: Peri! To what do I owe this singular pleasure?
Saffron: Are you doing your “up above the world so high" thing?
Andromeda: No darling Saffron, for it’s not yet night. I’m currently at my desk, catching up on this most tedious paperwork.
Peri: Ugh. Call me when you’re skybound? I have some lake mermaids wanting to visit their cousins, but when I asked them where their cousins live, they just said “the sea”.
Saffron: The sea is a big place Andy. And I only rented this pick up truck for the day.
Andromeda: I will gladly assist you, as soon as I am able, but could not The Distress Department be of more immediate use?
Peri: Oh yeah, they’re nothing if not prompt, but they keep answering me in riddles about the tides and the winds, and what I could really use right now is coordinates or at least helpful landmarks.
Andromeda: As soon as the sun sinks down to its nightly rest, I shall take to the skies and seek your mermaids.
Peri: Thanks Andy. Oh, and while you’re up there, keep an eye for Tristan won’t you? He won’t answer his phone.
Andromeda: Is anything the matter?
Saffron: It’s like all I do these days is play a sick game of fetch of the frog.
Peri: It’s your own fault he’s missing!
Saffron: My fault?! Who pushed me into trying to teach the twerp?
Andromeda: Ahem, ladies, I do have paperwork to attend to.
Peri: Right, right, don’t forget to call. Bye Andromeda.
Andromeda: Farewell Peri.
(Phone hangs up)
(Peri's mobile phone rings)
Tristan: Saffron isn’t around, is she?
Peri: No, we’re running really late with our mermaid reunion, and then the mermaids started to complain about being hungry, so she went to get tacos. I’m guarding the truck until she gets back.
Tristan: Tacos? Mermaids eat tacos?
Peri: Well, we asked the mermaids what they eat, and they said “land creatures” so yeah, tacos.
Tristan: Right, right. *deep breath*: I need help. It’s Ivan, I mean Prince Ivan. I can’t turn him back no matter what I tried.
Peri: I told you curses were tricky, we have specialists for this kind of thing.
Tristan: I just thought since he’s at the bottom of the list, it won’t hurt to try something in the meantime. It’s not like he’s going to lose his place in the queue.
Peri: Okay, you tried. Bully for you. Now can’t you just apologize for stealing a cursed prince and put him back?
Tristan: I haven’t really tried everything though, have I?
Peri: *groans* Fine. If I talk you through some basic troubleshooting procedures, will you return him to The Academy afterwards?
Tristan: Maybe he’ll be cured and we won’t need to put him back.
Peri: You won’t be getting extra credit for this kid, I hope you know that.
Tristan: What can we try first?
Peri: Turning it off and on again.
Peri: Magic Support joke. Never mind. For reversing transformations, the first thing is to try is a kiss.
Tristan: I tried that.
Tristan: I asked to kiss his hand by way of apology after I broke him out. Nothing happened.
Peri: Ewwww.. What did feel like?
Tristan: (growing disgust with each word) Cold… Slippery… Wet. Oh, sorry your majesty, I’m sure your real hand feels nothing like that.
Peri: You’re a brave man Tristan. That might be your problem actually.
Peri: Usually it’s a person of the opposite gender that does the kissing, right? In previous tried cases.
Tristan: Oh. In that case would you -
Peri: Not even if you offered me a thousand wishes. Anyway, I think it has to be true love or some such nonsense.
Tristan: So who can we ask?
Peri: Maybe there’s some girl in Ivan’s life who’s willing to kiss him in his froggy form. His mom maybe? Ask him.
Tristan: Well, um, when we first rescued Ivan, I tried to look up his family, just to assure them that he’s okay, and well..
Peri: Not a good home life, okay.
Tristan: It’s hard to tell on frog faces, but I think we made him sad.
Peri: We’ll have to find someone new.
Saffron: (in the distance) AAAK The blubber bag bit me!
Peri: Aaaand she’s back.
Tristan: Then maybe I should hang up now.
Peri: Saffron might know what to do though.
Tristan: She might?
Peri: It’s how our dynamic works, I suggests things like “kisses for the frog” and she goes out and makes it happen.
Saffron: And I HAVE been the best fairy godmother since my second year of joining The Company. Is that Tristan? Does he find himself without a frog leg to stand on? Did he wade in too deep at the frog pond? Does he need old Saffron to throw him a… a… those things that look like polos?
Peri: Life preservers.
Saffron: YES. Have you come hopping back for a life preserver?
Peri: Tristan, please don’t hang up. Saffron, as a mentor you could have handled this situation a whole lot better.
Saffron: Hey, if I can’t tear the twit’s head off with my pretty little fairy hands, then I have to let my aggression out SOME way.
Tristan: Ummm… I appreciate that I still have my head.
Saffron: You’re welcome!
Peri: No, don’t encourage her!
Tristan: um…About Ivan?
Saffron: Right, right, you have your bleeding heart set on curing him yourself and Peri says you need smooches.
Peri: True love smooches. Where are we going to get anyone who could give our frog an honest to goodness affectionate kiss?
Tristan: A cold, slippery, wet kiss.
Saffron: You sound like you speak from experience.
Tristan: I do.
Saffron: Kid, you have just redeemed yourself in my eyes. Let’s find a girl into frogs.
Saffron: Peri, if there’s one thing I learned from the internet, is that this glorious world is full of weirdos into pretty much anything you can think of. We’ll just sign Froggy up for a dating app and see who’s interested. Tristan send me a picture.
Peri: I don’t know...
(*ping* noise as Tristan sends a picture)
Saffron: Gimme… let’s see.. Have to make his profile as appealing as possible. You don’t happen to have pre-frog photos, do you? Never mind, I’ll mention how rich he is. He’s rich right? Prince and all? Anyway, there’s a title in it at least. Weirdo posh accent, some people really like that.
Peri: Now what?
Saffron: Now we wait.
Peri: We could be waiting for a while...
Saffron: We have a match!
Peri: What? How? … Why?
Saffron: Don’t underestimate the crazy of the internet Peri. Tristan, I’m sending you the location. Go meet up with the Froggy dream girl.
Tristan: You’re not coming with me?
Peri: We’re stuck waiting for the sun to set, there’s a few hours still. And then we have to wait who knows how long for the mermaids to finish their visit.
Saffron: Hey, froggy’s date is a princess, score!
Peri: Awww, she looks sweet! And look, she has a PhD!
Saffron: Wow, maybe I should sign up for this thing.
Tristan: (aside) um, alright, hold on (to phone) Prince Ivan wants to know what you mean by “sweet”.
Peri: I mean she looks sweet. Nice smile.
Tristan: (aside) I’m not - ouch, ouch, okay, okay *phone* Prince Ivan wants to know scale of one to ten.
Peri: Ugh. You tell Ivan to get over his slimey self.
Saffron: Or we’ll hand him over to a French restaurant.
(mobile phone hangs up)
(Mobile phone rings)
Peri: Andromeda! Finally!
Andromeda: Oh Peri, what a beautiful evening this is! My sisters are sparkling like diamonds, the moon is shining like a gleaming portal to the infinite. The seas are -
Saffron: Mermaids. Where.
Andromeda: They’re at the double helix pier.
Saffron: What’s that?
Peri: I know it. Siren architecture. Artsy, but very likely to get land creatures killed.
Andromeda: I currently espy the mermaids’ cousins there. They seem to be sawing off some boards.
Saffron: (yells back) WHAT CHARMING RELATIVES YOU BRINE BREATHS HAVE.
Peri: We’ll take care of that when we’re there.
Andromeda: You asked me to seek Young Tristan and inform you of his whereabouts.
Peri: Don’t worry about that. He called earlier, he’s fine.
Andromeda: Are you certain? He doesn’t appear to be fine at all!
Saffron: Oh no, what now?
Andromeda: He seems to be imprisoned in a castle dungeon. He seems to be trying very desperately to escape. And I see a young lady... The number of sharp implements she’s holding is concerning, but I’m more worried about the proximity of those sharp implements to our enchanted prince.
Peri: Oh no, what could have -
Saffron: WAIT. Andromeda, you can see through floors and ceilings?
Andromeda: Of course, all my sisters can.
Peri: We have to go save Tristan. And Ivan.
Saffron: What about the Merjerks?
Peri: (Yells back) WE’LL HAVE TO CANCEL THE VISIT MERMAIDS, I’M SO SORRY.
(hissing and splashing heard in background)
Keyes: Hello again.
Peri and Saffron: AAAGGHH!
Keyes: You’re not thinking of reneging on our perfectly binding deal, are you?
Peri: But Tristan!
Saffron: And Ira!
Keyes: *face peel sound* Believe me, back out now and you’ll WISH you’re as lucky as the boy and the frog.
Peri: But we just want to reschedule! That’s all! Hello? Hello?
Saffron: Hey Andy, are you still there?
Andromeda: I’m here.
Saffron: Can you see where Keyes is?
Andromeda: Sadly, I cannot.
Peri: What are we going to do?
Saffron: And your phone works alright up there?
Andromeda: Just fine. Perhaps because I’m closer to all these satellites.
Peri: Saffron! Not now!
Saffron: Right, right. Poor kid! I didn’t mean to be so mean to him earlier!
Peri: We’ll figure something out. We always do, right? Bye Andromeda.
Andromeda: I wish you the very best of luck!
(Mobile hangs up)