Episode 6

In Which Our Story is Concluded and Peri's Credit Card Bill Grows

(Princess Vasilisa's mobile phone rings)

Princess Vasilisa: Hello? This is Princess Vasilisa of Protista. Who may I ask is calling?

Peri: Hello Princess Vasilisa.

Saffron: Let me at her!

Peri: (aside) We agreed that I’d do the talking!

Saffron: (aside)That was before I heard how annoying her voice sounded!

Peri: *AHEM* Sorry about that Princess.

Princess Vasilisa: Just Vasilisa please, everyone calls me Vasilisa.

Saffron: *grumbles* Then why introduce yourself as PRINCESS Vasilisa?

Peri: Vasilisa, I’m Peri and my friend who you just heard is Saffron.

Princess Vasilisa: Pleasure to meet you both.

Peri: Vasilisa, you seem like a pretty reasonable kind of princess. You’re not one of those gimme what I want now princesses, right? I mean, you have a PhD!

Princess Vasilisa: Thank you, my thesis was on Metamorphic Biology.

Peri: Right! So there’s no reason why we can’t discuss our little problem like rational people.

Princess Vasilisa: I’ll be happy to discuss whatever you like, but can we arrange for another time? I’m very busy at the moment. I’m afraid you interrupted me right before I was going to achieve a great scientific breakthrough.

Peri: Yes, that’s exactly what we need to talk about!

Princess Vasilisa: Another time, wish me luck!

Peri: Wait, wait WAIT!

(Princess Vasilisa hangs up)

(Princess Vasilisa's phone rings)

Princess Vasilisa: WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP!

Saffron: She picked up! Ha!

Princess Vasilisa: I could barely hear myself think with all that ringing. I tried to silence it. I tried to turn it off. I tried to throw it out the window. It’s like it’s running on pure annoyance.

Saffron: It’s kind of a superpower of mine. Now free the kid, give him the frog, UNHARMED, and let them both go. OR ELSE.

Princess Vasilisa: The young man that handed over the frog WILLINGLY is currently being detained until the police can come over and arrest him for attempted theft.

Saffron: Uh, excuse me? I think you mean attempted RESCUE. Do you really think the police will believe that pixie dust story?

Peri: (aside) What have I said about using the word pixie like that.

Saffron: (aside) I’m only referring to their excrement this time.

Peri: (aside) Give me that!

Peri: Vasilisa, please, you have our protege and his first assignment. We’re responsible for the welfare of both. What can we do to see them safely returned?

Princess Vasilisa: Protege?

Peri: Fairy Godparenting. I’m in Magic Support and Saffron is a field agent.

Princess Vasilisa: Oh, it’s Fairy Godparenting now? How progressive!

Saffron: Yeah, yeah, the times they are a changin'.

Peri: So will you hand over the frog?

Princess Vasilisa: I’m willing to drop the charges on your young protege, in the name of progress, but I owe it to the world to continue my experiment.

Peri: Experiment?!

Princess Vasilisa: Yes!

Peri: How about we swap? We give you a regular non-human frog in exchange for our frog, who is very much capable of sentience and abstract thought.

Princess Vasilisa: Oh no, believe me, if I could have used a regular frog, I would have just fished one out of the moat. What I need is a thinking, talking frog. How do they talk? And with with the same voice they had as a human no less, there’s no room for human vocal cords in their throats. And how do they retain the same level of intelligence when they’re brain has been shrunken many times over? And life spans! How exactly do -

Peri: Very good questions, I’m sure, but surely not worth a human life.

Princess Vasilisa: Oh no, I’m not doing a dissection. I’m doing a vivisection.

Saffron and Peri: AAGH!

Saffron: Let him go you mad scientist!

Princess Vasilisa: I told you, I can’t do that. Now be rational. Peri, as one women in a STEM field to another, how many of your cases involved transformed human beings?

Peri: I don’t have the exact statistics on me, but many.

Princess Vasilisa: And how do you usually undo the curses?

Peri: On a case by case bases. They’re all different.

Princess Vasilisa: Exactly! And how long does that take you? I bet the queue for untransforming victims just keeps growing and growing. What I attempt to do may hurt one case, who might have been eaten by a cat any day now anyway, but my findings will be able to cure all present and future metamorphosed patients!

Peri: Well, that does sound like it would take care of a lot of my headaches actually, but I can’t let you do that. Didn’t you ever take an ethics class in The Academy?

Vasilisa: Yes, and I’ve opted for the utilitarian approach.

Saffron: Peri, let’s just ditch the mermaids… throw them in a literal ditch or something, they can’t climb!

Keyes: Don’t even think about it.

Peri and Saffron and Vasilisa: AAAGGH!

Princess Vasilisa: Who was that?

Peri: Too long to explain!

Saffron: Okay, okay, we ditch the mermaids in the ocean with their cousins, then go over there and show Princess Smarty her own insides.

Peri: We can’t! We’ll never be able to find those mermaids again and who knows how many shipfulls they’ll drown because of us!

Princess Vasilisa: (laughing) Well, it looks like you have quite a dilemma on your hands. I’ll leave you two to sort it out.

Peri: WAIT!

(Princess Vasilisa hangs up)

(Mobile phone rings)

Employee: Hello, this is Aesop’s Pet Store.

Peri: Hi, I rented a giant tank from you earlier today.

Saffron: And you assured us that it was super ultra mega strong!

Employee: What seems to be the problem ma’am?

Peri: It’s starting to crack in odd places.

Employee: What kind of creature have you been keeping in there?

Peri: We’re transporting mermaids.

Employee: Ma’am! Have you been abusing those mermaids in any way?

Peri: No!

Saffron: Only verbally!

Peri: They haven’t been pounding on the glass or scratching it or anything. They’ve been pretty well behaved actually.

Saffron: Except for the biting.

Peri: There hasn’t been any extra stress on the glass, but it looks like.. Like it’s getting weaker? I’m worried it will burst soon and we’ll have a trio of beached mermaids on our hands.

Employee: Ma’am. What is the nature of your verbal abuse?

Peri: (exasperated) What?

Employee: Ma’am, there’s only one thing that will affect our tanks’ structural integrity and that’s mermaid tears.

Peri: But they’ve been happy! They’re visiting their cousins!

Saffron: And no way can my admittedly brilliant jabs get through their thick scaly skin.

Employee: Mermaids ARE notoriously hard to rile. I suggest asking them what’s wrong.

Saffron: UGH. HEY MERMAIDS. Are you crying? It’s hard to tell with you being underwater and all.

Mermaid 1: Yes!

Mermaid 2: It’s just so sad!

Mermaid 3: Oh so very sad!

Peri: What’s sad?

Mermaid 1: Our froggy!

Mermaid 2: Our darling, beloved froggy!

Mermaid 3: Cut up by a horrid, horrid woman!

Mermaid 1: And all because you took him away from us!

Mermaid 2: Away from our strong protective arms.

Peri: Awww, you’re worried about Ivan!

Saffron: Woah, mermaids have feelings!

Employee: There you go ma’am. Mermaid tears. One of the most corrosive liquids in existence.

Peri: We’re trying to sort out the frog problem, and I think I know how… But first, can you send us a replacement tank? Fast? And make it bigger.

Employee: We will send one ASAP through pegasus carrier. This will cost you extra. And you will be losing your deposit on the first tank.

Peri: Great, just great. Just make it happen fast okay? We have a daring plan to get to.

Saffron: Woo! Daring plan!

Employee: Same credit card ma’am?

Peri: Yes, same one, hurry!

(Peri hangs up)

(Peri's phone rings)

Princess Vasilisa: Hello? What is going on? What’s all the screeching? *giant splash heard in BG* EEK. What was that?

Peri: That was the sound of super strong mermaids in deep grief. I think that large splash was a chunk they pulled out of your castle.

Princess Vasilisa: You put mermaids in my moat?!

Saffron: You bet your tiara we did!

Peri: Yes. Yes we did. Three lake mermaids and a few of their sea cousins. Keyes, if you’re listening, this still counts as a visit!

Keyes: *Grumbles*

Saffron: That frog better be okay Vasilisa!

Princess Vasilisa:Fine! He’s fine! I didn’t put him under the knife yet. And I was planning to use anesthesia I’ll have you know.

Peri: Phew! Okay, just let the frog and kid go.

Saffron: And don’t even think about calling the police. We have a very knowledgeable pet shop employee here with us, and she (or he depending on casting) is willing to contact some very, very unpleasant anti animal testing groups!

Princess Vasilisa: Ugh, not those freaks again. Can’t you see that what I’m doing is for the benefit of all?

Peri: We don’t really feel up to a philosophical discussion right now Vasilisa.

Saffron: Give the frog to the kid, and let them both go.

Peri: Actually, let the kid go, and throw the frog out the window.

Saffron and Vasilisa: What?!

Peri: Just do it.

Saffron: (aside) I hope you know what you’re doing Peri.

Princess Vasilisa: Throw the frog to the mermaids with the ultra sharp teeth and claws? And you call me cruel. Fine here.

*Princess Vasilisa throws Ivan out and he lands with a sploosh sound!*

Mermaid 1: Our froggy!

Mermaid 2: Our beloved froggy!

Mermaid 3: How we missed you!

Mermaid 1: How we worried for you!

Mermaid 2: But now you’re back

Mermaid 3: You’re back!

Mermaid 1: Back with us and we’ll never let you go.

Saffron: That’s almost sweet. But how will we get him back now?

Peri: Wait for it…

Mermaids: EEEK

Ivan: AAAGH.

Peri: There we go! Welcome back your majesty!

Mermaid 1: Our froggy!

Mermaid 2: Our lovely froggy!

Mermaid 3: Not so lovely anymore!

Mermaid 1: Ugly two tails.

Mermaid 2: And your nice cold slippery skin!

Mermaid 3: All gone!

Mermaids: Awwww

Peri: Sorry girls, but this is how he prefers to look like.

Ivan: I thank you ladies, your kiss has freed me from my enchantment.

Mermaid 1: Awww, he still sounds like our froggy.

Mermaid 2: He IS our froggy.

Mermaid 3: We still love you froggy.

Peri: That’s true love for you.

Saffron: Yeah, the controlling possessive love of a mermaid trio. That’s how all the romance stories go. But hey, I’m pretty much the all time champion of fetch the frog now, aren’t I?

Peri: Tristan! Tristan, over here!

(Peri hangs up)

(Peri's phone rings)

Peri: Hello?

Princess Vasilisa: WELL?

Peri: Well what?

Princess Vasilisa: Haven’t you forgotten something?!

Peri: Oh yeah. Saffron, write a complaint to that dating app. Tell them they have a sick predator they need to ban.

Saffron: On it!

Princess Vasilisa: NO. I mean the mermaids!

Saffron: How do you spell abhorrent?

Peri: A - B - H - O

Saffron: Okay, autocorrect is kicking in now.

Princess Vasilisa: WELL?

Peri: RELAX. Ivan is building a luxury water tank carriage to transport the mermaids to his homeland.

Princess Vasilisa: How long will that take?

Peri: Quality takes time Vasilisa. And Ivan feels like he needs to show the mermaids his gratitude.

Saffron: WE’RE not getting any presents incidentally, but at least my little protege passed his first assignment! SO PROUD OF YOU!

Tristan: Uh, please stop pinching my face.

Peri: Have fun with the mermaids Vasilisa! They’re actually really wonderful once you get to know them.

Saffron: Yeah, hidden depths and all.

Peri: If they start gnawing at your castle, give them some tacos, and uh, just stay away from the drawbridge for a while. Bye Vasilisa!

Princess Vasilisa: WAIT

(Peri hangs up)