Episode 7

In which Tristan goes on a Field Trip and The Academy Gains a New Faculty Member

(Peri's desk phone rings)

(Peri picks it up)

Peri: Hello, this is the magic support department. Peri speaking.

Cassie: Hiiii Peri!

Peri: Hi Cassie. What can I help you with today?

Cassie: What’s the best way to defeat cannibals?

Peri: C-Cannibals?

Cassie: Uh huh! They’re chasing after my client and they want to gobble them all up!

Peri: Holy smokes, that’s terrible!

Cassie: I know! I should use any force necessary, right? Blast ‘em right out of existence!

Peri: Um. Uh. Wait. Are you sure they’re cannibals? Do you, uh, have witnesses? No wait, that’s too gruesome.

Cassie: My client swears to it! They’ve been running and running just as fast as they can, but -

Peri: Hold it! *breathes* Cassie. Is your client made up of flesh and blood, or gingerbread?

Cassie: Ummmm… It’s definitely person shaped.

Peri: This may sound weird Cassie, but I’m going to need you to smell your client.

Cassie: Okay! Come here little guy. 

*squeaky angry background “no!”*

No, I’m not a cannibal, I just need to check if you smell like food.

*squeaky angry background “nyah!”*


Peri: Are you okay? What happened?

Cassie: It bit me and now I got this white goop all over my hand! Wait… *nyum* Confirmed! It is frosting.

Peri: *phew* Good. I was not in the mood to deal with cannibals today. If the gingerbread person has any limbs nibbled off, get them to an emergency baker. If not, then get them registered for our Pinocchio Program.

Cassie: Sure will! Thanks Peri. Bye!

Peri: Not so fast Cassie. What happened to those biology classes we talked about?

Cassie: Oh, I didn’t go.

Peri: What! Why?

Cassie: Andy told me that new biology teacher is bad news!

Peri: The Academy has a new biology teacher?

Keyes: And how very lucky we are to have her.

Peri: Aah!

Keyes: I trust you will be warm and welcoming to our newest faculty member Princess Vasilisa. Or should I say Professor Princess Vasilisa?

Peri: Why would anyone hire that psycho?

Keyes: It’s been felt that the Academy lacks a certain level of prestige. Princess Vasilisa has recently published an article in a very prominent scientific journal that has won much acclaim.

Peri: (reluctantly) Yeah, I’ve… read that. Pretty good actually. Gotta admit.

Keyes: Magical biology, metamorphic in particular, represents a giant hole in our understanding of the world. What an astounding amount of good it will do our image if The Academy becomes a leader in that field.

Peri: But what if she… I don’t know, experiments on her students or something?

Keyes: If Professor Princess Vasilisa should do anything that would tarnish the reputation of The Academy, then she will have to DEAL. WITH. ME.

Cassie: *whimpers*

Peri: *Sighs* Cassie, you're off the hook.

Cassie: Yay! Bye Peri.

(phone slams)

Peri: *mutters* I do not need this… I would have preferred cannibals!... At least I have permission to set fire to them...

(Peri dials Saffron's mobile)

Saffron: Hello Peri!

Peri: Saffron, have you heard? Vasilisa is -

Saffron: - working at The Academy, I know!

Peri: You do?

Saffron: Yeah! Tristan told me. I tried to tell the little pipsqueak to drop out of her class but -

Peri: He’s in her class??

Saffron: I know right?? Anyway, he went on and on about how metamorphic biology is little understood, and has the potential to help so many lives and blah blah BLAH.

Peri: *groans*

Saffron: You sound stressed out Peri. You should come with me to that Wonderland assignment! It’s going to be so much fun!

Peri: Oh no thanks, I hate field work. But you should bring Tristan.

Saffron: What? Look, I’m not saying there’s a force out there that could make Wonderland un-fun. There’s no such thing. But if there was, it would be called Tristan of the Ravenwood!

Peri: But it’s a great mentoring opportunity! He gets to see how godparenting would work in a different culture.

Saffron: Ugh. Fine. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad to have an audience for my amazing godparenting skills.

Peri: Awesome! He’s going to be so excited. Keep me updated on everything!

Saffron: Totally! Bye Peri.

Peri: Bye Saff.

(Peri hangs up mobile)

(Peri's desk phone rings)

Peri: Magic Support. This is Peri.

Undine: Hello Peri. How are you this fine day?

Peri: I’m alright. What’s up?

Undine: I’m having just a little bit of bother with the magic mirrors.

Peri: Really? They were working just fine earlier. Are you sure your question rhymed?

Undine: It most certainly did! Why don’t you give those ladies a talking to and have them answer my very reasonable request?

Peri: Can I check over your rhyme first?

Undine: I assure you there’s nothing wrong with it. Those gals are just being stubborn.

Peri: Let’s hear it.

Undine: Well. If you insist. *ahem*

Mirror Mirror, in my well

If I ask nice, won’t you tell

Who will come in first place

In next week’s centaur race?

Peri: First of all, using magic mirrors for gambling is illegal.

Undine: It ain’t gambling if it’s a sure thing.

Peri: Second of all, it’s is beneath their dignity

Undine: Oh, they oughta get off of their high horse.

Peri: Third of all, your meter is off.

Undine: Did you catch my horse pun?

Peri: Goodbye Undine.

(phone shuts)

(phone rings again)

Peri: Hello, Magic Support. Peri speaking.

Tristan: Good morning Peri. Do you mind if I ask your advice on something?

Peri: Go right ahead.

Tristan: Saffron asked me to update her files. Do the mermaids go into her “Rogues Gallery” or her “Potential Allies Rolodex”?

Peri: I… think she has a “Powerful Contacts of Dubious Alliance Binder”. It should be marked “Eleventh Hour Only”.

Tristan: This thing? I see it. It’s uh…*oof*  really heavy.

Peri: Uh yeaaaaah. It’s mostly exes. SO. Excited to go to Wonderland?

Tristan: Yeah! I’ve never been before.

Peri: Did you get your permission slip signed?

Tristan: No, I don’t need one… I never need one…. I’ve… um… noticed that this school is really lax about their student’s safety.

Peri: I should write a letter or something. Speaking of safety…

Tristan: Sorry, but I’m not dropping out of biology. (surprised at his own boldness) Sorry! But I need the credits if I want to major in curse breaking. I’m sorry.

Peri: Okay, fine. But be careful in Wonderland okay? Do you know the ground rules and the underground rules?

Tristan: Rules?

Peri: Listen Tristan and listen well. There are many rules that govern the chaos of Wonderland, but the most important to your safety are these:

Watch your step around rabbit holes

Don’t smoke anything offered to you by a caterpillar

Stay away from mushrooms and literate candy

Avoid riddles

Don’t pick or pick on the flowers

Always say how do you do and shake hands.

Beware the Jabberwock.

Be polite to royalty no matter their gaming board.

And DON’T step on the mome raths!

Got it?

Tristan: I think so.

Peri: You think?

Tristan: I got it, I got it. I’ll be fine, I promise. See you later.

Peri: Bye Tristan

(phone hangs up)

(phone rings)

(picked up)

(bird noises start playing in the background)

Peri: Hello. Magic Support. This is Peri.

Customer: Hello? Yes, I am not satisfied, not satisfied at all. A travesty, an absolute travesty.

Peri: Who -

Customer: My daughter wished for a golden nightingale to sing for her.

Peri: Sounds like she got it. Anyway, this is magic support, not customer support -

Customer: And ever since that wish I never had a moment’s peace in this house! Singing all day, singing all night! I can’t even hear myself think!

Peri: MAGIC. SUPPORT. For godparents only! ….And occasionally students.

Customer: And the infernal thing dodges everything I throw at it!

(thud noise)

(little girl giggles)

Peri: Hang on, let me transfer you to the complaint department.

(*boop* noise as call is transferred)

Complaint Department: Complaints Department. Who are you and why are you calling me at this ungodly hour?

Customer: Madam, your company has grievously -

Complaint Department: Ugh, I haven’t had enough coffee, I barely got enough sleep, and my back is already killing me from sitting down too long.

Customer: This cacophony machine you unleashed on my household -

Complaint Department: Not that going home will be any better. My husband has this cold and expects me to wait on him hand and foot, I gotta make sure my delinquent kids do their math homework for once, and somehow, I gotta con my cat into taking its worm medication -

(Peri hangs up her desk phone)

Peri: That’s taken care of…

(Peri's mobile rings)

Peri: Hello Saffron

Saffron: Hi Peri! Want any souvenirs from Wonderland?

Peri: Are there any bookstores nearby?

Saffron: Tons. I’ll pass by one and pick the book with the prettiest cover. I’m also thinking of picking up a few dozen of their nummy tarts.

Peri: It’s not crazy like the rest of their food, is it?

Saffron: My magic metabolism is off the charts, and I'm pretty sure your system would just burn anythi-

(squeaky voice panicked *yelp*)

(Peri and Saffron *gasp*)

Peri: Was that a… *gulps* mome rath?

Saffron: Oh Tristan, you didn't!

*far off "OFF WITH HIS HEAD"*

(shuffling feet sound getting closer (louder))

Saffron: *gasp* Oh no, it’s the card guards!

Card Guard Spade: Well well, what have we here.

*mome rath sadly wimpers*

Card guard Spade: What kind of sick animal would do this?

Saffron: Not us! Totally not us.

Tristan: I’m so, SO sorry. I swear didn’t see it!

Saffron: Tristan you phenomenal idiot!

Tristan: Will it be okay?

Card Guard Spade: I hope you know a good lawyer kid.

Saffron: Luckily for this little squirt, we do. Peri?

Peri: I’m on it!

Saffron: Hey, will you quit crowding me? Last thing I need is a papercut.

Peri: I’ll call you back as soon as I can. Bye Saffron.

Saffron: (frustrated) Bye Per.

(music plays for only a few notes, then record scratch)

*goblins giggling*

Sachet: Shhh! *giggle* Shhh!

Scoodie: Go on, Smock! Go on!

Smock: Okay, okay, okay.

*goblins dial by saying "beep boop"*

Peri: (frazzled) Magic Support. Peri. Go.

Smock: Hello! *giggle* AHEM. We have problem. Need help pleeeeaase. *whimpers*

Peri: Who is this? - never mind, just make it fast. I have some urgent calls to make.

Smock: Please miss, we have bad… uh… gardnerer… We hires gardnerer to plant us pretty fruits and he just won’t garden at all! What should we do??

Peri: Have a discussion about work ethic?

Smock: We did, we did! No listen! What should we dooooo?

Peri: Fire him and hire another gardener?

Goblins cheer: Yaaaaaay!

Smock: You did it!

*Goblins giggle maniacally*

(Goblins hang up)

Peri: Well that was weird.

(end music plays normally)