In Which Tristan Takes the Stand and Tarts are Confiscated
(Peri’s mobile rings)
Tristan: Hello, Peri. It’s me, Tristan.
Peri: Tristan! Hi! Are you okay? Are you scared? Are they treating you well? And how are you talking to me right now?
Tristan: Um.. Bailiff Bun Buns said I could have a last meal, then handed me a rotary phone, a lobster bib, and a spork. Bailiff Bun Buns, it’s okay isn’t it? If I make some phone calls before I, uh, dig in?
Bailiff Bun Buns: (angry) ttt ttt ttt
Tristan: Oh, I was supposed to order take out? I’m so sorry. It’s - It's my first time in Wonderland, I’m sorry if that sounded ignorant.
Bailiff Bun Buns: (consolatory) tt ttt
Peri: Tristan, you can speak rabbit?
Tristan: Uh… I guess? Passingly? My accent is terrible though.
Bailiff Bun Buns: Tt ttt tt!
Tristan: Thank you! That’s nice of you to say.
Peri: How do you speak rabbit?
Tristan: Well, I speak hare and rabbit isn’t too different.
Peri: You speak hare?
Tristan: Yeah. There’s a lot of hares in the Ravenwood, and… I guess I just picked it up after a while.
Peri: That is so cool.
Tristan: Peri, do you mind helping me with a small problem?
Peri: Tristan, If you call being jailed “small”, then you must have an amazing sense of perspective.
Tristan: Oh, no, not the trial. Themis is doing great, I’m sure I’ll be out in no time. But in case I’m late, could you reach my brother Roderick and ask him to feed my cat? He doesn’t, um, he doesn’t always hear his phone ring.
Saffron: Is this Tristan-talk for “he’s a jerk-face who screens my calls”?
Tristan: No! No. He’s just busy questing all day. So I was thinking..
Peri: I can ask the magic mirrors to get a hold of him, no problem.
Tristan: And can you tell me what Saffron’s assignment was supposed to be?
Peri: Sure, it’s a lost -
Saffron: NO. Peri. NO.
Peri: Why not?
Saffron: Have you learned nothing from our frog adventure? You tell him someone needs help and he’ll break out of jail to rush to the rescue. He’ll become a fugitive from the law, and live out his life as a desperado. There’ll be wanted posters everywhere, Peri! And a bounty on his head. Then one day, a young sheriff comes into town, looking to make a name for himself, and our Tristan here gets gunned down in a showdown at high noon. The sheriff will probably end up becoming a senator and all Tristan gets is a funeral attended by tumbleweeds. And you just know that I’ll be the one blamed for all that! So yeah, butt out of this one, Tristan!
Tristan: I just wanted to know if -
Tristan: Just -
Saffron: Tristan. STAY. (warningly) Staayyyyyy.
Peri: Tristan, relax. I’m thinking we might skip this assignment anyway.
Saffron: Yeah, now that you mention it, the uh - “client” seems a lot better off here. It would be un-godparent-like to mess with their happiness like that. The little girl can just get over it.
Tristan: What? What little girl?
Saffron: What did I just say about butting in? I swear Tristan, every word that comes out of your mouth is an extra knot in my ____ . My ____ . What the what?
Peri: What was that?
Tristan: Are you okay?
Saffron: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I just can’t say say _____.
Peri: Are we being censored?
Saffron: What? No! I’m only trying to say ____. Those things I use for flying, my ____ ! Ugh! Tristan, if all this grief you caused me is giving me a nervous tick, I’m sending you my therapy bills.
Peri: Tristan, can you hand the phone to Saffron.
Saffron: We can talk now. What’s up?
Peri: First of all, I’m scheduling you in for a doctor’s appointment. I’m worried you’re not as immune to Wonderland food as you thought you were.
Saffron: But I didn’t eat any! The Judge Queen of Hearts confiscated my tarts after I mentioned them on the witness box. She claimed they were her tarts, even after I showed her the receipt from the bakery! Can you believe her?
Themis: Under Wonderland Law, all tarts belong to the Queen, and can only be eaten by commoners when the queen isn’t in the mood for tarts. The Queen is always in the mood for tarts. Is that Peri? Say hello for me.
Saffron: I’m anything but common. Themis says hi, Peri.
Peri: I heard. Hi Themis. Saff, I know I told you to stick by Tristan, but do you mind popping out and soothing things over with that little girl? It might make Tristan feel better if we can personally guarantee that everyone’s fine.
Saffron: Oh sure, in two shakes of a Chesire cat’s tail!
Themis: Not so fast. The way I see it, you were acting as loco parenti and I hold you responsible for Tristan’s current state of affairs. You’re not leaving until he does.
Saffron: And there’s another knot. I’m calling this one Themis jr.
Themis: Come on Tristan, it’s time for you to take the stand.
Saffron: Looks like I’m heading back to the stuffy old courtroom. I’ll call you back, Peri?
Peri: Yes, please keep me updated!
(Tristan hangs up the rotary phone)
Peri: Let’s see here... fairies and nervous ticks*.... That’s not it.... Sudden speech impediments*… nope... effects of wonderland on speech*… Forest of Forgetfulness, that’s not right, it’s not a memory thing… hmm…
*typing noises where there’s a * mark
(Peri's desk phone rings and she picks up)
Magic Mirrors: Peri, Peri, at her chair,
Overtaxed and filled with care
We call because we divined
That something has slipped your mind
Peri: Oh, that’s right! *ahem*
Thank you for reminding me,
If you happen to be free.
Call, if you would be so good
Rod’rick of the Ravenwood
(Mirrors show Roderick and Manfred with a *magical sound effect*, ambient noise changes to outdoors)
Roderick: What the devil? Manfred, come take a look at my shield. Something’s broken with the reflection.
Peri: No, no, nothing’s broken. You’re not answering Tristan’s calls, so he asked me to tell you to feed his cat.
Manfred: (normal female voice) He did *ahem*, (voice deepens) He did send you like 5 missed calls.
Roderick: You’re all fire-y. Are you a djinnia? You must be Peri! Tristan told me all about you.
Peri: That’s nice. So you got that bit about the cat?
Roderick: Yes, yes, of course.
Manfred: Don’t worry, I’ll remind him.
Peri: Thanks… Manfred right?
Manfred: Manfred the Manly, Knight Errant. At your service.
Roderick: Thanks for looking after my little brother. I’m glad Tristan’s found something to occupy himself with. He would have been absolutely useless as a knight, but perhaps now he can do something more his speed.
Peri: Godparenting is a really stressful job actually.
Roderick: And from what Tristan’s told me, you’re more than up to it! If you feel like a real challenge, how about joining me and my band of brave knights? We seek the Glamorica Scroll. We confiscated a map from a rabble of dastardly thieves, but alas, the treasure is guarded by a vicious dragon. We could use a person knowledgeable in magic who can help us find the beast’s weakness.
Peri: No thanks, I like dragons.
Manfred: We don’t have to slay the beast, maybe you know of how we can distract it?
Peri: Then you’d still be robbing a dragon!
Roderick: Perhaps she feels a kinship with the creatures, what with them both liking fire so much.
Peri: It has nothing to do with ___. ___? Oh no, ___ ! _____! ____! AAAGGH.
Roderick: Is that a spell? Are you hexing us right now?
Peri: No. Just feed the cat.
(Mirrors stop the call and are back to Peri's office with another *magical sound effect*)
Peri: Magic Mirrors, what’s going on? What happened to my ability to say _____ .
They plot and plan, sneak and steal
They’re looking to make a deal.
For them to reach their buyer,
They needed a djinn’s fire.
(Magic Mirrors hang up)
Peri: Well, that was helpful
(Peri's mobile rings)
Saffron: Peri. I was wrong. I was so wrong. There is a force in the universe that can make Wonderland un-fun and it’s name is Tristan of the Ravenwood.
Peri: Hi Saffron.
Saffron: I’ve been stuck in this courtroom all day! I did not sign up for this. I came to Wonderland to eat tarts at mad tea parties and play flamingo croquet and see lions and unicorns duking it out!
Peri: Well, you came to do a job.
Saffron: Which we agreed is as good as completed!
Peri: Yeah, I already closed it. Better to leave this one alone. So what’s the news on the trial?
Saffron: They’ve been questioning Tristan ever since we last talked. Like non-stop. Right now the prosecution is grilling him about ceiling wax and string.
Peri: Oh no, how’s he doing?
Saffron: Surprisingly well. He knows a LOT about string. Listen:
Tristan: So if you’re using a light worsted 8 ply, I’d use maybe a 5 mm needle. But checking the instructions on the yarn itself is a good idea.
Jury: rumblings of agreement. *yes yes* *quite so, quite so*
Peri: Saffron, I can’t say ____ anymore.
Saffron: Say what anymore?
Peri: If I could answer that I wouldn’t have a problem now, would I? I can’t say ____ .
Saffron: Like me and _____! Do you think we caught a disease or something?
Peri: I don’t know, I’ve never heard of a dis-
Saffron: *hushing noise*. Per, Card Guard Spade started making uncomfortable eye contact with the jury. I’ve seen enough drama series to know that this means that Spade has an ace up his sleeve.
Card Guard Spade: Tristan of the Ravenwoods, your knowledge of strings is (begrudgingly) …. Impressive. But it all comes down to this. Did you step on the mome rath?
Tristan: (confused) You know, I thought I did, but after talking to Themis I’m not so sure anymore.
Themis: That’s right Your Honorable Majesty. Tristan merely heard a squish and we’re all just assuming that a mome rath got stepped on. I’d hardly call a squish sound tangible evidence.
Card Guard Spade: No. No it’s not. The defense may have convinced you all, yes even the criminal himself, that there was no credible witness and therefore no crime. But if a tree falls in a forest, it doesn’t matter if it makes a sound! All that matters is that we have a fallen tree. And so your Majestic Honor, I say we need to hear from the soundless fallen tree itself.
Themis: How can you hear a soundless -
Card Guard Spade: Your Majestic Honor, I call the Mome Rath to the stand!
*end music then record scratch*
Satchet: *singing* My turn my turn my turn!
Smock: call already, Satchet!
(Themis's phone rings and she answers)
Themis: Who are you and how did you get this number?
Scoodie: Ooooh.. Scarrrrry…
Smock: Scoodie! Shooosh!
Sachet: Miss The Miss. We are Annoy Me Miss. We has VITAL EVIDENCE.
Themis: Evidence? Are you trying to tell me that this is an anonymous tip?
Satchet: Yes, yes, that. You want?
Themis: Yes, I want. I mean, I want to hear it. Out with it.
Satchet: Say pleeeaassee.
Themis: I don’t have time for this!
Satchet: VITAL EVIDENCE about human boy!
Themis: (through clenched teeth) Please.
Satchet: Say prettttyyyyy pleaasaaase.
Themis: If I find out that you’re lying….. pretty please.
Satchet: Good! Manners are soooooo nice!
Scoodie: I like manners.
Smock: (faux posh accent) Manners maketh the man.
Themis: Yes, I used manners, now tell me.
Satchet: Tell what?
Themis: The evidence!
Satchet: Right right! You say please so we give you evidence. Will you say “Thank you” when we done?
Themis: (shouts) A young man’s life is on the line!
Scoodie: Yelling on phone is not good manners.
Satchet: But Scoodie, forgiving is GOOD manners! Miss The Miss, I forgive you if you say sorry.
Themis: Oh, Athena give me strength.
Satchet: Bye Miss The Miss.
Themis: What about the evidence?
Satchet: Oh yes. He did it. We all saw.
Smock: But don’t tell other lawyer, or else he might win!
(goblins hang up)