Episode 11

In which The Trial By Combat Begins and Gargoyles Object to Getting Their Ears Pierced

(Saffron and Peri are in the Ravenwood Castle)

(Saffron calls Bailiff Bun Buns)

Bailiff Bun Buns: ttt?

Saffron: Good morning, Bailiff Bun Buns. Fine day for a battle, isn't it? Okay, enough small talk. Can we talk to Tristan? It's super important.

Bailiff Bun Buns: ttt…

Peri: I think that means he went to go get him?

Saffron: I hope he hurries. This castle is creeeeeepy! (echo)

Peri: Shush, someone might hear us.

Saffron: Relax, this place is empty. You know, I was thinking, Tristan’s parents are gone a LOT. I feel like I’m doing their job for them. Like they outsourced their parenting.

Tristan: Hello?

Saffron: Hi Tristan. How’s jail? Did you get any tattoos?

Tristan: Um, no.

Saffron: It’s okay, I can take you to get one later. Say, where’s this cat of yours?

Tristan: She’s probably sleeping in my room.

Saffron: We’re IN your room... Your room is the one with all the maps, right?

Tristan: No, that sounds like Ulric’s room. Once you leave, take a right, then… let’s see, there’s Ulric, then Godric’s room, then Baldric, then Cedric, then Eric, and then there’s Roderick and then there’s me. So seventh room on your right.

Saffron: So Ulric, Godric, Baldric, Cedric, Eric, Roderick…. And Tristan?

Tristan: Yes.

Saffron: Oooookay. Parents didn’t plan that far ahead, huh? Come on, Peri.

Roderick: Halt intruders! Oh hey, aren’t you that djinn from my shield? What are you doing here?

Peri: We’re just here to feed Tristan’s cat.

Roderick: Good luck. That little Empress is pickier than Princess Finicky of the Gourmet Kingdom.

Tristan: Did Roderick try to give her dry food? She won’t eat dry food.

Saffron: Shhh!

Roderick: (suspicious) Why isn’t Tristan feeding Empress himself?

Saffron: He had a late night hanging out with some friends, and when he noticed how late it is, he decided it’s easier to just sleep over. You know how it is.

Roderick: Uh huh… well, don’t let me disturb you, carry on!

Saffron and Peri: *Phew*

Empress: Meow!

Saffron: Awww, there she is. I’ll see you later Tristan.

(Saffron hangs up)

(Later at her office, Peri calls Saffron)

Saffron: Hiya Per. Made it to work on time?

Peri: Just barely! Status report?

Saffron: I’m in the courtroom slash battle arena. Themis smuggled in the enchanted gear. This stuff is so cool, Peri. Hey Themis, do you think I can borrow this after Tristan wins his fight?

Themis: For what?

Saffron: I look really good in armor.

Themis: Quiet. There’s Tristan now.

Bailiff Bun Buns: (sad) ttt ttt tt

Tristan: Hang in there Bailiff Bun Buns, I’m sure it will all work out for the best.

Themis: Alright Tristan, suit up.

Tristan: Okay…. It feels a little… strange. Can I switch to another one?

All: NO!

Themis: It’s regulation.

Saffron: It’s good luck!

Peri: And it’s the only one your size.

Tristan: Okay?

Peri: How long before the fight?

Saffron: I don’t know. Hey Bun Buns, when does Tristan’s opponent get here?

Bailiff Bun Buns: Tt ttt ttt

Tristan: He says the White Knight got lost, but he’s on his way.

Themis: Is everyone in this land incompetent?

Saffron: Peri, I’ll call you when the White Knight shows up.

Peri: Alright. Bye.

(Peri hangs up)

(Peri's desk phone rings and she picks up)

Peri: Magic Support, this is Peri.

Vasilisa: Hello. Regarding my library issue.

Peri: Did you do anything to the gargoyles?

Vasilisa: What about the gargoyles?

Peri: You must have done something, if they won’t let you in.

Vasilisa: You can’t be referring to that very, very minor incident with the scalpel.

Peri: Scalpel?

Vasilisa: I just wanted a little sample, and I was very careful to aim only for the ears.

Peri: You tried to take a chunk of their ear off?

Vasilisa: Not a chunk, just a small sample. And only from their ears. People put holes in those things all the time.

Peri: I can’t believe-

Vasilisa: It’s sentient stone Peri. X-rays have shown that they have no internal organs to speak of. How are they alive!? Tell me you’re not dying of curiosity right now.

Peri: Didn’t Keyes warn you about this?

Vasilisa: He only warned me against experimenting on students. Speaking of which, how’s

Tristan? I missed him in class this morning.

Peri: He’s... a little tied up, but I’m sure he’ll be back in class tomorrow.

Vasilisa: That sounds ominous. You know, I’ve noticed that the faculty here constantly endanger their students for the sake of education. I don’t understand why I’m being singled out with all the warnings.

Peri: You’re calling us out for endangering students?

Vasilisa: Not at all. I understand there’s certain dangers you have to learn to face when becoming a professional godparent. Or if you’re becoming a witch or wizard, or knight, or any of the majors really. Even history majors get their fair share of trouble. I heard a few of them nearly got burned alive yesterday! Facing danger is an integral part to gaining experience and wisdom.

Peri: Well, yes, but teachers are supposed to guide them through the danger. They’re not supposed to be the dangerous part themselves!

Vasilisa: Maybe I should petition Professor Holle to open a mad science wing...

Peri: Isn’t there an evil school for you to join somewhere?

(Peri's mobile rings)

Peri: I gotta go.

Vasilisa: Say hi to Tristan for me.

(Peri hangs up on Vasilisa and picks  up her phone)

Peri: Hello?

Saffron: Hi Peri. You’re being called to the stand, but I know you’re super busy, so I told them I’ll just call and put you on speaker.

Peri: I’m on the stand? I thought the trial part was over?

Saffron: It was, but then Tristan started acting very un-Tristan-like. He was all “I call Saffron and Peri to the stand” (Saffron does terrible Tristan impression)

Tristan: Yes, I’ve- I’ve been thinking about what you said yesterday. You said if I had to go, I should do it with style, right? So I’m going - I mean, I think there’s something I can do, before… you know.

Saffron: Before your appointment with the Choppy the Friendly Axe?

Peri: Saffron, now is not the time for gallows humor.

Saffron: But there’s gallows right over there!

Peri: NOPE.

Saffron: Sorry, thought it might lighten the mood.

Tristan: Uh, may I continue your Honorable Majesty?

Queen of Hearts: This is most unusual. But I’ll allow it as none of us have anything better to do at the moment.

Tristan: Saffron. And Peri. The reason we’re in Wonderland now is because Saffron had an assignment right?

Peri: Right.

Tristan: And did this assignment include a little girl who lost something?

Saffron: Yup, but the little brat can get over it.

Bailiff Bun Buns: (angry)tt ttt ttt!

Saffron: What? You’re the one who ran away from her.

Tristan: I call Bailiff Bun Buns to the stand too. Saffron, can you move over please? What brought you to Wonderland?

(shuffling noise)

Bailiff Bun Buns: tt ttt tt

Tristan: Because there aren’t many career opportunities for rabbits back home, right Peri?

Peri: No, unless they’re talking rabbits. You have to pass a language exam for most jobs. Even Narnia discriminates against non English speaking rabbits.

Tristan: Bailiff Bun Buns, the little girl you ran away from... Lorina right? I understand how hard it is to deal with a family that doesn’t understand your choices, but they’re still family. Sometimes all they need is a bit of patience.

Bailiff Bun Buns: tttt?

Tristan: I’m sure of it. *Ahem* I call Lorina Liddell to the stand. Saffron?

Saffron: Just this once, okay? I’m not a delivery service.

(Saffron teleports in Lorina with a *magical sound effect*)

Lorina: (mid conversation) So then I told Dina - OH! Bun Buns!

Tristan: Could you make a little more room? Thanks everyone.

(shuffling noise as Lorina takes the stand)

Lorina: Oh Bun Buns, how I’ve missed you! When the godparenting company closed my request, I thought I’d never get you back!

Tristan: Lorina, Bun Buns didn’t get lost. He came to Wonderland because he has ambition. He’s taking night classes to become a lawyer! Doesn’t that make you proud?

Lorina: That would be most impressive, but I’d rather have my Bun Buns back home with me.

Tristan: Lorina, I know this is hard, but if you love Bun Buns, you’d let him follow his dreams. And I’m sure if you’re accepting of his new life, he’ll happily come home for a visit once in a while.

Lorina: Oh, will you?

Bailiff Bun Buns: ttt ttt!

Lorina: I love you Bun Buns, I just want you to be happy! And I - wait a minute, aren’t you the fairy that killed my hamster?

Saffron: No, I’m the fairy that re-killed your already dead zombie hamster. Good call ditching this girl Bun Buns, she doesn’t have the best track record with pets.

Bailiff Bun Buns: tt! tt tt

Tristan: So you’ll call home more often? Lorina worries about you.

Bailiff Bun Buns: Ttt!

Tristan: And Lorina, you’ll support Bailiff Bun Buns new career?

Lorina: I will! It will be hard, and I will miss him terribly between visits, but I will.

Tristan: Your honorable majesty, miscellaneous creatures of the jury, I rest my case.

(jury awwwws)

Saffron: Awww, that was so sweet! See what happens when you follow my advice, Tristan? Hey Queenie, any chance that you absolutely melted over this adorable display of mushiness? So much so, that you’re moved to let Tristan go?

Queen of Hearts: An acquittal? I think not.

Saffron: For a queen of hearts, you’re pretty heartless.

(Peri's desk phone rings)

Saffron: Go ahead, I’ll call you back if something happens

Peri: Thanks.

(Peri hangs up on Saffron and answers her phone)

Peri: Hi Magic Mirrors.

Magic Mirrors:

Peri, Peri, at her desk,

At a trial, kafkaesque.

We’re so sorry, but last night

The goblins obtained starlight

Peri: Oh no. I have to text Master Kyorinrin. “Starlight… from… a… wishing… star”.

(Saffron sends the text to Master Kyorinrin)

He should get back to me soon. There can’t be that many spells that use all of that. Do you have any idea what they want?

Help me with this disaster.

What are the goblins after?

Magic Mirrors:

They plot and plan, sneak and steal

They’re looking to make a deal.

For them to reach their buyer,

They needed a djinn’s fire.

Fairy wings, starlight and more

All keys to make a door.

Peri: Master Kyorinrin just texted me back. Oh no, it’s a portal spell! I’ve got to stop this! Thanks magic mirrors. Would have been nice if you told me sooner and in more precise words, but thanks.

(Peri hangs up on the Magic Mirrors and calls Saffron)

Saffron: Peri, we have a situation. Roderick and this girl just showed up.

Manfred: (deep voice) Girl? What girl?

Tristan: Roderick? And Manfred? How did you find me?

Roderick: Please, Tristan. “At a sleepover with friends”? You’re not popular enough to use that excuse. No offense.

Tristan: Ummm…

Manfred: We called your school. A very helpful but suspiciously pleased professor told us that your mentor was in Wonderland.

Saffron: Alright Roderick and New Girl, long story short: Tristan stepped on a mome rath and now he’s is about to enter the arena and fight for his life.

Tristan: What new girl? Do you mean Lorina?

Saffron: No, no, that lady that showed up with Roderick!

Themis: What lady?

Manfred: Only us manly knights here.

Saffron: What the-? That’s obviously… Ohhhh… Don’t worry SIR Knight, I’m totally progressive. I’m a mentor to a male fairy godparent!

Manfred: (confused) What?

Roderick: There’s only one thing to do. I will bravely volunteer to take my brother’s place in combat. For if I refuse, my younger brother will surely perish. I mean, he’s no warrior. Have you seen his posture?

Tristan: Um, thanks Roderick, but I don't-

Manfred: (female voice) Don’t worry - *coughs* (voice deepens) I mean, don’t worry Tristan. Roderick is one of the finest knights in the land, there’s no way he’ll lose. And uh, no offense, but -

Tristan: Okay, okay, I get it. Thank you, Roderick.

Peri: Won’t anyone notice if we switch guys?

Saffron: Not a chance! Humans are a minority in Wonderland. They all look the same to the card court. I mean, even I have trouble telling them apart sometimes.

Peri: Really? Never mind. Saffron, the goblins want to open a portal! And they have all the ingredients!

Saffron: A portal? What do goblins want with a portal?

Peri: I don’t know, something about a deal. But we can’t let them open it! Messing with the fabric of reality is really dangerous when not done responsibly. You have to go stop them! But how will we even find them??

Saffron: Relax Peri, they’re goblins. When have they have they ever done anything conspicuously? There’s probably going to be a giant mushroom cloud explosion. We just wait for it, then follow the chaos.

(Trumpet noise)

Card Guard Spade: Introducing his Majesty’s Champion, The White Knight.

Tristan: Oh no! We have to stop the fight!