Leckie: Lieutenant's Log, Entry 17: The Mutiny
Veke: Captain Starbeard! There’s b-
Starbeard: I told you to stop calling me that!
Veke: Sorry, so sorry Captain. Please don’t disintegrate me.
Starbeard: Suffering supernovas, out with it you scurvy swab!
Veke : There’s been a mutiny on the LK701. We caught their distress cry, code infa-red.
Starbeard: What?! HA! I knew those men of mine weren’t completely useless!
Veke: Yes, sir. Captain, sir. Your Piraticalness. Shall I signal the LK701?
Starbeard: (satisfied) Aye.
Veke: Scourgerus to LK701, Scourgerus to LK701. Come in LK701.
Pirate 1: Help! Captain! It’s -
Veke: What does this mean, Captain?
Starbeard: It means… we lower our cloaking shield.
Veke: But sir! Scourgerus has been our most heavily guarded secret since-
Starbeard: One more word out of ye and I’ll feed you to the killer Krakenite
Veke: (gulps or whimpers) Y-yes Captain Sta-, C-Captain S-Sir.
Starbeard: Call me Captain Starbeard, it’s starting to grow on me. And get me some
Ganymedan Grog. We’ve got some waiting ahead of us.
(time passes and ambient noise changes to Scourgerus's surface)
(a space ships lands)
Veke: Captain Starbeard sir, that looks like -
Starbeard: Katticus Attison’s ship. Aye.
Veke: Permission to blow it to smithereens sir?
Starbeard: Not just yet.
Detective Connis: Get moving, out of my ship.
Pirate 1 and Pirate 3: (disgruntled) Arrgh.
Detective Connis: Ugh, it’s like a ship graveyard in here.
(feet landing sound effect)
You must be Starbeard.
Starbeard: Aye. And who might you be?
Detective Connis: Detective Connis. Or ex-Detective Connis as the case may be. I’m sure Katticus’s memories will reach the next agent soon, so there’s no going back for me now.
Starbeard: *starts laughing* No there ain’t lass, no there ain’t. So what brings you to the dark side of the law? The lure of gold and power too strong? Did it call out to ye and you just couldn’t resist it’s siren song?
Detective Connis: No. It’s just… that fairy.
Detective Connis: The one with the wings who wouldn’t stop talking. She calls herself a fairy. She does these impossible things all the time, like it was nothing. And she acts like it's normal in her dimension! If those insane people fear dragons, then what must dragons be like? Once this pirate here -
Pirate 1: Watch it with that phaser, you trigger-happy turncoat.
Detective Connis: Once he told us that Scourgerus was real, I knew there was no getting out of it alive. Katticus couldn’t even do it in 5 lifetimes, what chance do we have of doing it before the eggs hatch?
Starbeard: So it’s fear for your own miserable life that drove you here. So how does this sound, lass? The men and the egg for a guarantee of your safety.
Detective Connis: I need a new ship. Attison’s is too recognisable
Pirate 3: Aye, it be snazzy
Detective Connie: And probably traceable. I need enough gold to live comfortably, since I don’t have a job now. And yes, I’ll need your word that I won’t get destroyed in your new galactic order.
Starbeard: Done. You there, Veke. Pay the lass. Out of curiousity ex-Detective, how did you manage to do it?
Detective Connis: It wasn’t hard. I just held my phaser to the Captain’s head. Ever since the… the incident which we will not speak of, all police stations have been programmed with fanatical loyalty to their captain.
Starbeard: And the missing member of my crew? I recall sending three out on the egg-retrieval, but I only count two afore me.
Detective Connis: It was a mutiny . There were casualties.
Starbeard: *laughs* You’ve got a bright future in privateering, lass. You sure you’re not looking for a change in career?
Detective Connis: No, just the ship, the gold, and my safety. (afterthought) And caffeine cigarettes if you got em.
Veke: Payment all set up, Captain Starbeard, sir.
Detective Connis: Pleasure doing business.
(ship take off sound effect)
(time passes/maybe change ambient noise)
Pirate 1: Thank you, Captain Starbeard, for the ransom-
Starbeard: Quit your squacking! I don’t care two bits for either of you lily-livered failures. It just so happens that the ex-Detective offered a package deal, and I have me eye on the egg.
Pirate 3: Yes, sir, Captain Starbeard. Shall I put it with the other two?
Starbeard: Hand it over first. Aaaah, power over the entire universe contained in one little shell. It’s like an old pirate legend come true. Now, you two. Your mouths done a lot of flapping aboard that police station, I take it?
Pirate 1: Sir, the extra-dimensional being, she had great powers over-
Starbeard: Shut it! Just give me the damage report.
Pirate 1: The location of Scourgerus was all we gave Captain. They were tracking you with the foreign powers, so they already-
Starbeard: That so called “fairy”. Taken care of?
Pirate 3: Hard to say Captain, it was chaos up there.
Starbeard: And Katticus?
Pirate 1: Dead sir. For now.
Starbeard: Aye, it won’t be long till he surfaces again.
Pirate 3: It won’t be long before he comes back with a full armada Captain, we best put the egg behind our defenses.
Starbeard: You seem awfully eager to get yer slimy tentacles on this egg here.
Pirate 3: No sir, Captain Starbeard, sir. Just planning for the worse like you always say.
Starbeard: You there! Veke! Bring me a candle.
Veke: A candle, sir?
Starbeard: Bring it, I say!
Veke: Yes, sir. Right away, sir. Here you go, Captain Starbeard sir.
(match striking sound effect.)
Pirate 1: (panicked) What are you doing?
Starbeard: What? You never heard of the old candle trick? Now let’s see here…
(flame sound maybe?)
This egg be empty…
Pirate 3: Maybe it’s just-
(porcelain crack sound)
Starbeard: This egg ain’t an egg at all. Show yourself!
(pause) (guns clicking or phasers firing)
Show yourself or I’ll show you your insides.
Starbeard: Katticus Attison and the name-changing bilge rat.
Saffron: My name is Saffron! I gave you a whole speech about it!
Starbeard: Where’s the real egg you cod-faced cur!
Agent Katticus: There’s nothing you can do to get that information out of me Starbeard. I instructed the crew of the LK701 to hide the egg in a place you’ll never find!
Starbeard: TELL ME WHERE IT IS.
Agent Katticus: I also instructed them to keep it a secret from me. I can’t tell you.
Starbeard: Aargh! Throw these two interlopers into the brig! I’ll decide what to do with them later.
Saffron: Hey, let me go!
Pirate 4: Teleport and you’ll meet the bad end of my laser pistols!
Agent Katticus: Best to do what they say for now, Saffron.
Starbeard: Track down the ship I gave the triple-crossing Connis! Send out a fleet to track down the LK701! Fetch me more grog! AND CLEAN ALL THIS GLITTER OF ME STATEROOM FLOOR (last one fades out)
(bars closing behind them)
Saffron: What do we do now, Katty? Do I teleport us out of here?
Agent Katticus: Can you get us back to the ship?
Saffron: Not while it’s moving, no.
Agent Katticus: Then we.. (punch noise) we hold still and use this time… (punch noise) ... to gather ourselves and… (punch noise)
(Katticus is trying to remain calm but is punching the wall, so it should have an undertone of
Saffron: You okay, Katty? That wall is starting to look pretty dented.
Agent Katticus: I DIED IN STARBEARD’S DUNGEON TOO MANY TIMES AND I GET STRESSED WHEN PLANS DEVIATE.
Saffron: Not to worry, I’ll distract you! Can you believe that stupid pirate forgot my name? So rude! Do you think I should go by a more memorable alias while I’m here?
Agent Katticus: WHAT?
Saffron: I was thinking something like “Saffro”. You know, to sound more sci-fi? Since I’m in science fiction world?
Agent Katticus: Fiction?! YOU’RE THE ONE FROM A FANTASY LAND.
Saffron: You keep telling yourself that, spaceman.
Agent Katticus: *deep breath* (he’s calming down)
Saffron: Feeling better, Kit-Kat?
Agent Katticus: I stood for Kat and I stood Katty, but this is taking things too far.
Saffron: I just really, really miss sugar.
(slump down sound effect)
Saffron: So tell me about Oris.
Agent Katticus: NOW?
Saffron: I’m bored and it’s not like we have anything better to do. Besides, it will help keep your mind off our imminent demise.
Agent Katticus: I suppose I did promise… Katha was a hard-working agent. Dedicated, industrious and smart as a monomolecular whip . She had a supportive husband called Oris, who appreciated her ambition and never said a word about the late nights she put in. One day, one of my previous selves fell in the line of duty, and Katha was an ideal replacement. When I became Katha, or Katha became me, she inherited all my skills. Including my observational skills. I suddenly saw my recent memories in a whole new light.
Saffron: Uh oh.
Agent Katticus: The mysterious calls, the strange charges on his card, the guilt, the defensiveness.
Saffron: That jerk! I hope you knocked a few teeth out!
Agent Katticus: (wistfully) He never had any teeth.
Saffron: So what did you do?
Agent Katticus: I divorced him and blocked him on everything. It was two lives ago, I should just let it go.
Saffron: Didn’t you say it was only 7 months ago? Get angry if you want to get angry!
Agent Katticus: Since I normally end romantic relationships when I become someone new-
Saffron: You were betrayed, Katty! You deserve better than that low-life cheater.
Agent Katticus: Can we talk about something else please?
Saffron: A lot of people love broody unstable types with lots of emotional baggage!
Agent Katticus: I certainly don’t. And what do you mean-
Saffron: Because you’ve always been a super busy, intense, successful secret agent guy or gal who wanted someone stable and junk to come home too. You know, like a safe spaceport after turbulent space seas.
Agent Katticus: There’s no such thing as-
Saffron: But some people have known nothing but calm space waters, and they dream of exciting space agents who’ve been to far off planets and seen crazy space things.
Agent Katticus: Why do you keep saying space in front of random words? Of course everything exists within a space. Is it really necessary to mention it?
Saffron: You know what we need? A lunch break!
Agent Katticus: Here in Starbeard’s Dungeon? As we’re waiting for maniacal despot to decide our future? It’s not even lunchtime, Saffron.
Saffron: Your clocks don’t decide lunchtime. Your heart does.
Agent Katticus: Your heart? Not even your stomach at least?
Saffron: Shhhh… shhh.. Sh… let Saffron guide you.
(magical sound effect as Saffron conjures a picnic)
Saffron: Ta-Da, what do you think?
Agent Katticus: The picnic blanket is a but much- but thank you, Saffron.
Saffron: Must be weird having all those past lives.
Agent Katticus: Weird. But most of the time it’s weird in a good way.
Saffron: Hey Katty?
Agent Katticus: Yes?
Saffron: Ever been to your own funeral?
Agent Katticus: All the time. It gives me a good sense of closure.
Saffron: So weird!
Agent Katticus: Saffron, I hear a guard coming. Get ready.
(same sound effect as before when they were locked in)
Pirate 4: Out with ye. Starbeard will see you now.
Saffron: Can we finish our sandwiches first?
Pirate 4: I said OUT.
Agent Katticus: *oof noise*
Saffron: Watch it!
(ambient room noise changes to Starbeard’s stateroom)
Starbeard: Hand me my laser pistols.
Agent Katticus: Threaten all you want Starbeard. Death is an old friend to me.
Starbeard: I’m not speaking to you Katticus, you unnatural affront to the universe. I’m talking to her. Now, talk or the agent gets it.
Agent Katticus: Say nothing, Saffron.
Saffron: I don’t know anything. And if I did I wouldn’t tell you.
Starbeard: And what if I threaten to kill you both?
Saffron: I’ll never let you hurt those eggs!
Starbeard: Oh, is that all it takes? Veke, get the other two eggs.
Veke: Yes, sir.
Starbeard: Either talk... or pick which one of these eggs never lives to breathe a gasp of air.
Saffron: You wouldn’t! You’re bluffing!
Starbeard: Am I now?
Saffron: You would never!
Starbeard: Why wouldn’t I? It’s one less mouth to feed and one dragon is still one more dragon than any of my rivals have.
Saffron: Except Leckie’s crew, they have an egg!
Starbead: Ah, but that egg’s going back to it’s dear mama, isn’t it? She’s certainly not letting you keep her child to fight in an extra-dimensional pirate war.
Saffron: Katty, is he bluffing?
Katticus: I don’t know…
Starbeard: Talk you buzzing bilge rat.
Saffron: Let me think. Agh, I wish I had Peri right now.
Starbeard: I SAID TALK.
Saffron: Okay, okay! *deep breath* I can show you where Leckie is keeping the other egg.
Starbeard: Now that be more like it.
Agent Katticus: Saffron, no.
Saffron: I have a tracking spell on the eggs. It’s how we’ve been tracing you. I can set it up again and take you there.
Agent Katticus: Saffron, don’t do this!
Saffron: I’d rather see the dragon eggs in the hands of a pirate than dead! I’m so sorry, Katty.
Starbeard: Haha! Veke, prepare the man-o-war. We’re going on a little excursion.
Post Credit Scene
Captain Adam: Excellent work planting our moles Detective Connis, they’ll surely - wait, are those caffeine cigarettes?
Detective Connis: No...
Captain Adam: Good. Forgive me, Detective, I should have known better than to assume that an officer of your caliber would stoop so low as to renege on your promise to give up caffeine.
Detective Connis: *sigh* Here.
Detective Adam: Thank you Detective. I thank you, and your nerves thank you.