Episode 20

In Which Bob Goes Missing and a Request for an Elevator is Submitted

Rose Red: Tristan, would you stop dawdling?

Tristan: Sorry, I’m coming, sorry. It’s just that the new library’s architecture is really nice!

Nyneve: It’s not very murdery, but I think humans prefer their buildings that way? So yes, very nice.

Rose Red: I’m just glad they installed an elevator like I asked. Stupid Academy.

Nyneve: Maybe next time we can suggest water slides instead?

(ping as the elevator arrives)

(elevator doors open)

Rose Red: Everybody in.

Tristan: Even the elevator is nice.

Nyneve: I loooove all the mirrors.

Magic Mirrors:

Students, students, in the elevator,

Heed our words or else regret it later,

You have one hour, not a second more.

To walk outside the library door.

For if you stay later than half past ten,

Then you will never leave this place again

Rose Red: What?

Tristan: Yes Ma’am. Uh, Ma’ams. Hang on, I’ll put on a timer…

Rose Red: Can you be more specific? And like, less ominous?  

(cheesy elevator music plays)

Rose Red: Ugh. What was that about?

Tristan: I don’t know, but we better listen to them. It’s still enough time to hear Professor Princess Vasilisa’s lecture.

Rose Red: Right, right, no burning anything until we hear the pro-evil book side.

Nyneve: It’s a good compromise! First we listen to a lecture, then we commit theft and larceny.

Tristan: No no, it’s listen to a lecture, then decide what to do. Right?

(ping as the elevator arrives)

(door closes and music ends)

Saffron: Tristan? Is that you?

Tristan: Hello Saffron, I- I didn’t expect to find you here.

Saffron: I’m here for the evil book party, not because I agree with any of these bookwormy nerds, but just to see what everyone’s wearing. The kingdom of eternal day has some terrible politics but some cool fashion. Vasilisa has this biologist chic going on, and I think Peri’s abaya is elven made but I’m too angry at her to ask. So what are you doing here?

Rose Red: We’re, uh, we’re here for the book party too.

Nyneve: We’re certainly not here to perpetrate felonies or cause international incidents.

Saffron: Hey… aren’t you that pet shop girl who overcharged us for the fish tank? And aren’t you one of those sushi butts that kidnapped Ira?

Tristan: (aside) I am so, so sorry. Saffron, this is Rose Red and Nyneve. They’re my friends.

Saffron: You have friends? I mean - I’m thrilled you’re making friends your own age and sort of close to your own species. I was beginning to think all your friends were cats and rabbits.

Nyneve: (pleased) This is a friendship? I thought it was a cabal?

Rose Red: Those things aren’t mutually exclusive. We can be both right?

Nyneve: I suppose mischief is a great bonding experience.

Tristan: Not that we’re here to do any mischief, right??

Rose Red: and Nyneve: Right...

Saffron: Well! Since you say you aren’t here to commit any crimes, I feel like it’s my mentor duty to give you this.

(magic sound effect)

Tristan: Is this.. is this a poppy seed bagel?

Saffron: Yup. Swiped it off the buffet table and magicked it. Just take a bite and you three, and any object you might be carrying, will be teleported far from the library. It’s the perfect spell to sneak past book guarding dragons and gargoyles. You know, in case there’s a freak fire or something. Safety first!

Rose Red: Thank you!

Saffron: Looks like it’s starting. I’m off to grab a seat now. Ta!

(microphone tapping)

Keyes: May I have your attention? Hello everyone, and welcome to the opening of the New Library. First and foremost, we’d like to thank King Gunnar for donating this beautiful building. We also owe our gratitude to Master Librarian Kyorinrin for supervising the transportation of all the books and the gargoyles for overseeing security. And though she informed us that she will be protesting this event on moral grounds, we also extend our thanks to Academy student Rose Red, for helpfully reminding the architects to install elevators. And now, opening remarks by the most generous King Gunnar, of the Land of Eternal Day.

(polite clapping)

King Gunnar: Thank you Mr. Keyes, uh, wherever you are. Can someone point him out please?

Kyorinrin: Oh, he’s not physically here you’re majesty.

King Gunnar: But I hear his voice over the speakers. Is he in a room in the back somewhere? After our many phone conversations, I feel like I must meet him face to face.

Saffron: Nah, a disembodied voice is all you ever get.

King Gunnar: Disembodied? But surely a voice must be coming out of someone… or something.

Peri: Our current theory is that he doesn’t have a physical body, and it would be more like face to faces, since we suspect he has several.

King Gunnar: I beg your pardon?

Saffron: Don’t think too much about it, it will only make your head hurt.

King Gunnar: I… uh… yes. As I was saying, it is my absolute pleasure to be able to contribute to magical science in this way. A lot of knowledge was gleaned through deciphering the prologue, and I’m sure even greater strides are to come. As you all know, my kingdom is entirely composed of creatures of light, and we are ever so hopeful of gaining a better understanding of our cousins, the creatures of night, so that we may open communications and better accommodate them in our land.  

Vasilisa: I thought you said you wanted to increase tourism?

King Gunnar: (sheepishly) Ah yes. That too. But enough of my idle talk! It’s time to welcome the woman of the hour, Professor Princess Vasilisa of Protista. Also known as Vasilisa the Beautiful -

Vasilisa: I’ve always hated that nickname.

King Gunnar: Is that so? But it’s so flattering! I would love to hear why, perhaps over a cappuccino and a biscotti?

Vasilisa: Uh, I’m about to give a lecture?

King Gunnar: Yes, yes, of course you are! I await you eagerly backstage, for I have something very, very important to ask you…

Vasilisa: Okayyyy… Goblin, please show the first slide.

Satchet: I has name, you know. It Smock.

Smock: No, I Smock. You’re Satchet, remember?

Satchet: Oh yeah.

Vasilisa: The history of light and dark magic is a long and complicated one. For many hundreds of years, it was thought that the discoveries of Witch Wartho were burned down along with the rest of the great library, but thanks to our own history students, were able to save the volume that detailed her famous experiments with Photogen and Nycteris (fade away starting after “for many hundred”)

Nyneve: Okay, we heard her speak, can we go burn things now?

Tristan: But we hardly-

Rose Red: Yup, I’ve heard at least a dozen words and none of them justify that witch kidnapping and experimenting on children.

Tristan: I don’t think it’s fair to-

Rose Red: Come on Nyneve, while everyone is distracted.

Tristan: But-!

Nyneve: Right behind you. Come on Tristan!

(all whispering)

Rose Red: Over here

Tristan: Hold on, let’s think this through…

Nyneve: Shhh!

Kyorinrin: Can I be of any help to you children?

All three: Ahhhh!

Nyneve: Yes, is it true that you eat people who hurt books or is that just a rumor? Follow up question, do you have a seafood allergy by any chance?

Kyorinrin: My, what unusual questions!

Rose Red: Can you show us Witch Wartho’s book? It’s uh, kind of the whole reason we’re here.

Kyronrin: Certainly, certainly, always eager to feed curious young minds. Please come this way.

(curtain flowing sound maybe)

Kyronrin: There it is children, the rarest book in existence!

Rose Red: That’s it? That’s all the protection? Just this fancy curtain and plush pillow?

Tristan: I thought.. I thought with all the controversy, that there would be… um, more security?

Kyorinrin: Of course we provided the book with the utmost protection! Miss Peri has cast the same protection spell she does on her computer servers. No one may touch it unless they have been whitelisted by Peri, and as you know, it’s terribly difficult to get past a djinn’s firewall.

Nyneve: Really, then how come I can touch it?

Kyorinrin: What?! Young lady, you put that down immediately!

Nyneve: Rose Red, catch!

Rose Red: Got it!

Kyorinrin: Return the tome at once!

Nyneve: Run run run! Roll Roll roll!

Kyorinrin: Gargoyles, surround them! Hurry!

(sound of gargoyles surrounding them, perhaps a woosh and a sound of hard rock landing)

Tristan: We’re surrounded!

Kyorinrin: Gargoyles, as gently as you can, seize that book from the students.

(Sound of heavy rocks sliding)

Rose Red: Hold it! Not one step closer.

Kyorinrin: Young lady, is that a match? In MY library?

Rose Red: Yes and I’m not afraid to use it.

Tristan: Rose, please don’t!

Nyneve: Do it do it do it!

Tristan: Oh no. What do we do now?

Nyneve: Crunch!

Tristan: What?

Nyneve: Crunch and munch!

Rose Red: The bagel! Eat it Tristan!

Nyneve: Eat it before the dragon eats us!

Tristan: *crunches the bagel*

(magical sound teleporting sound effect)

Tristan: *Ptew!* (spitting out bagel). I can’t believe I just gave into peer pressure like that. Nyah (disgusted sound), this bagel tastes like glitter!

Nyneve: I’ll take it if you don’t want the rest. Num!

Rose Red: Excellent work everyone. Now to move on to phase 2.

(strikes matches)

Tristan: Wait! Rose Red, please, just… at least read the book before you burn it!

Rose Red: Why would I read vile words like..

(flips through pages)

Rose Red: “blah blah blabbity blah”.

Tristan: No, I mean for real.

Rose Red: But that’s what it says…

(flips through pages a few more times)

Rose Red: That’s ALL the book says.

Nyneve: Is it … code?

Tristan: Or enchanted to only show its true words to authorized readers?

Rose Red: No, it’s a fake.

Nyneve: and Tristan: *gasp*

Nyneve: It can’t be!

Tristan: I guess they must have seen us coming.

Rose Red: *sighs* I guess… But wait, if Kyorinrin knew the book was a fake, then why did he look so scared? Why not just arrest us before you bit the bagel and let us burn the phoney?

Nyneve: Yeah! And how come I could grab it so easily! There was no magic defense on it! I would have felt it!

Tristan: But… why?

(Small beeping noise)

Rose Red: What was that?

Tristan: Just my alarm. Remember the Magic Mirrors? It’s half past ten now.

Nyneve: Was something bad supposed to happen now?

(far off sound of chaos)

Tristan: What was that?

Rose Red: Quick, to the window.

Nyneve: Whoa, some sort of monster is attacking the library.

Rose Red: Psshhtt…. Serves them right.

Tristan: Do you think they’re okay? Hurry, we have to get over there fast!

Rose Red: Why?

Tristan: Why?! Because our teachers, a king and some goblins are stuck in there and the magic mirrors said something about people not being able to escape. We have to go help anyone that might be trapped inside.

Rose Red: Okayyy… But why? It’s not like they didn’t bring it on themselves, messing with evil literature and stuff.

Nyneve: Yup. And I don’t like anyone in there anyway. Wanna go get tacos?

Tristan: Look at you two, you’re acting just like Professor Holle!

Rose Red: What?

Nyneve: How dare?

Tristan: You talk like someone has to be “worthy” to get help? I saw you roll your eyes when Professor Holle said that, but it looks like you agree once it involves people you don’t care for.

Rose Red: Tristan. Never compare me to Professor Holle again. Ever.

Nyneve: We’re going to help you now, but just to prove we’re not like the meanie anti-mermaid professor, okay?

Tristan: (relieved) Okay. Thank you.

Rose Red: So. What should we do?

Tristan: Oh… right.. I- I never really had to fight anything before, e-except my brother, but everyone fights with their brothers. And that m-monster looks huge. I don’t even know what it is… And… And….

Rose Red: Breathe….

Tristan: Sorry, p-panic is setting in. I’m just so worried for everyone trapped in the li-library. I’m, I’m so sorry, I don’t know how to help them.

Rose Red: Well, yeah. We’re godparenting majors. This is obviously a problem for knighthood majors.

Tristan: O-Okay, then we… we get a knight to help. M-My brother, Roderick, he’s a knight, he can help. His room is right next to mine.

Nyneve: What? This is your house?

Rose Red: You live in a castle? I always pegged you for more of a woodland cottage kind of person.

Tristan: Wait, just…. just let me get something...

(sound of rummaging)

Tristan: …. Here we go.

Nyneve: *Hisses* Is that a hook?

Tristan: Yes. (realizes what Nyneve meant) A crochet hook! Meant for yarn, not sea creatures. It helps me calm down.

(far off chaos noise intensifies)

Nyneve: Uh-oh.

Rose Red: We better hurry.

Post Credit Scene

Peri: So this abaya is elven made and when I first saw it, I had to have it, but then I saw the price tag and thought no way, I don’t have an event to wear it to, but THEN I remembered the last time I had that thought and didn’t buy an abaya I liked cuz it was too expensive, and then Saffron got nominated for this best in glitter award and wanted me to go with her and I had nothing to wear to that, so I had to do some extremely last minute shopping and ended up buying this puffy sleeved monstrosity from the internet and I thought “never again”. So I bought this abaya right then and there and I’m really glad I did because otherwise I wouldn’t have had anything to wear today!

Undine: (extremely bored) Yes that’s... fascinating. So about my question?

Peri: Oh yeah, what was it again?

Undine: It’s a matter of etiquette. I’m about to meet my client and I’m not sure if he’s a dwarf or just a short human.

Peri: *Sighs* Check the ears. Pointy dwarf, round human.

Undine: Will do. Bye Peri.

(Peri hangs her mobile phone up)

Peri: I miss Saffron.