In which a Rescue Mission Commences and Tristan Crochets a Poncho
(knocking on a door)
Roderick: Manfred, open up! Tis I, Roderick of the Ravenwood, along with some godparenting students who came begging for our help.
Rose Red: Begging? I mean, we just asked nicely.
Manfred: (deep voice) Just a sec! My uh… uh….(normal voice) kitchen’s… on fire?
Roderick: Hurry up Manfred! Time is of the essence. (aside) He always was a terrible cook.
(shuffling and banging noises inside)
Manfred: (normal voice) Made it! *coughs* (deep voice) Made it. (coughs and switches to normal voice again) I uh, put out that fire.
Nyneve: Sir Manfred, what’s wrong with your voice?
Manfred: (deep voice) Why nothing, it’s perfectly normal for a growing man’s voice to change.
Tristan: But you’re 25?
Manfred: We are always growing, Tristan.
Roderick: So true! Fear not Manfred, I know how exhausted you must be after last night’s ordeal.
Rose Red: What happened last night?
Roderick: It was amazing! You should have been there. Manfred single handedly took down a beast that was said no man could defeat!
Nyneve: Wow, then how did you defeat it?
Manfred: I, uh, didn’t de-FEET it, I be-HEAD-ed it.
Tristan: and Rose Red: Ohhhhh!
Nyneve: That’s so clever!
Roderick: You may take your well-deserved rest today, Sir Manfred the Manly. We are here to see your sister.
Manfred: (deep voice) my sister?
Roderick: Yes, your sister. The shy one who answers the door sometimes then ducks back inside to go get you.
Tristan: We searched all over and she’s the only female knight in the area.
Rose Red: We called all the knight agencies, but they said they don’t hire female knights because they cause love triangles. *scoffs*
Nyneve: And we checked The Academy for a list of lady knighthood graduates, but they all got recruited by the Queen of the North.
Tristan: Your sister was the only one who still had a local address.
Manfred: (deep voice) Yes, my sister Fred? I’ll just go get her.
Nyneve: May we come in for some water?
Manfred: NO. I mean, uh, I’ll bring some out. I mean… Fred will.
Roderick: I don’t know about this. Sending in a damsel into certain danger goes against everything I stand for!
Rose Red: She’s not a “damsel”. She’s a professionally trained knight who graduated with honors.
Roderick: But with agencies being so particular about uh... “plumbing”, she doesn’t have much real field experience.
Fred: (out of breath but normal voice from now on) It’s me. Fred. Here’s your water. I’m ready.
Roderick: I can’t do this. I can’t send this fair maiden to the monstrous beast. This is a terrible plan and we should call it off!
Fred: (testily) I said I’m ready.
Roderick: Young lady, I admire your bravery, but I must insist -
Fred: So why do you need a female knight specifically?
Rose Red: It’s like this. We saw a monster attack the library and so we went to Roderick over here and he said
Roderick: in Rose Red: Voice: Sure, I’ll help or whatever (these parts have voices overplayed each other)
Rose Red: Then we went over the monster thingy and it went all
Monster: in Rose Red: Voice: Raaaaaaaah
Rose Red: And we were all like, what? But then Tristan went
Tristan: in Rose Red: it’s okay you guys, I speak monsterese
Rose Red: And then he liked explained that apparently the king guy, the one who donated the library, went all gaga for Professor Vasilisa and was all
King Gunnar: in Rose Red: Voice: Hey, will you like, you know, marry me and stuff?
Rose Red: But see, there was this like curse or whatever, that said if the king ever got married before the monster thing got married, he’d like, trap him forever or something. So the monster went all
Monster: in Rose Red: voice: Raaaaaaah
Rose Red: Which according to Tristan means
Tristan in Rose Red: The king and the hostages and all can’t go free unless the monster gets married.
Rose Red: And then Roderick was all
Roderick: in Rose Red: No freaking way you evil monster!
Rose Red: And then Roderick charged the monster with his sword, but there was like this uhh.. Forcefield? It had these stripy veins and kinda stung my eye. So gross. And then Nyneve tried tossing Tristan’s crochet hook, going all
Nyneve: in Rose Red voice: from hell’s heart I stabbeth thee
Rose red: but it bounced back and the forcefield got smellier. And then Saffron saw us from the window and was all like:
Saffron: in Rose Red: voice: Hey…. stop fooling around and start rescuing us, mmkay?
Rose Red: So we grabbed our stuff and started brainstorming. It took us a while, like Tristan finished maybe half the poncho he’s working on, right? But eventually, we came up with this plan that if we can get a lady knight to pretend to want to marry the monster, then like, get close enough to stab him, it would just solve a lot of our problems, you know?
Fred: Wow, you really have a way with words.
Rose Red: Thanks, I know.
Tristan: So will you do it?
Fred: Of course! I never deny help to anyone in need.
Roderick: But -
Fred: BUT from your story it looks like I’d only get one chance at this. We have to make sure that I can slay the beast with a single strike.
Nyneve: That’s right. If you stab him but he doesn’t die, he might figure out you don’t really want to marry him. Then he might eat you.
Tristan: Do we have any weapon guaranteed to slay a monster that powerful?
Roderick: and Fred: Ummmm….
Rose Red: What does “Ummmm” mean?
Roderick: It means that I once possessed such a sword. But then there was a very small incident with an angry mother dragon. All a misunderstanding, I assure you. Goblins put me up to it. No one was hurt in the end! But the sword, it uh, well-
Fred: The dragon mom shattered the sword into tiny pieces.
Nyneve: Oooh, can I see?
Roderick: Certainly. To the armory! (fade out this line) By the way Fred, it was nice of Manfred to lend you his armor.
(scene changes to inside the castle)
Fred: (fades in) five*… six*… seven*. Seven useless pieces.
(chlink noise as the pieces are put on the ground)
Rose Red: So. Anyone know anything about blacksmithing?
Tristan: Or maybe some Repairing Spells or Mending Charms?
Nyneve: That’s too advanced. We’re not gonna learn that stuff till next year.
Tristan: I’m sure my mentor Saffron can do it, but she’s stuck inside with the other hostages. I think the monster’s forcefield is keeping her from teleporting.
Rose Red: Well geez, if only there was a non-magical way to communicate with people across great distances without having to physically cross that distance yourself.
Tristan: Yeah, if only…
Rose Red: *ahem*
Tristan: Oh right!
(Tristan dials phone)
Tristan: Saffron! Is everyone in there alright?
Saffron: Yeah, we still got plenty of snacks. But I can’t teleport out of here, and it’s kind of a downer watching Vasilisa and Peri cross out failed escape plans from their chalkboard. It makes that annoying scritchy sound.
Tristan: Sir Fred…. Uh… Lady Fred?
Fred: I prefer Sir Fred.
Tristan: Sir Fred says she can defeat the monster, but we need to repair a magical sword first.
Saffron: *scoffs* Always a catch, isn’t there? Okay, sounds like you need magic support. HEY PERI.
Saffron: Your know-it-all-ness is needed.
Peri: When isn’t it?
Saffron: Just get over here.
Saffron: That’s a nice abaya by the way, is it elven made?
Peri: Yes! Thank you so much for noticing, I didn’t get a single compliment all day.
Saffron: From these nerds? They wouldn’t know fashion if cloncked them on the noggin. You look great Per.
Peri: You look great too. Who was the idiot that said redheads can’t rock a pink dress?
Saffron: Right? Oh Peri, I don’t want to fight anymore!
Peri: Me neither, I shouldn’t have let our argument over Witch Wartho’s book get so heated.
Saffron: I didn’t even care about that stupid book, I just hated you hanging out with Vasilisa so much while I was gone.
Peri: You’re my best friend Saffron, I would never-
Tristan: I- I’m so sorry to interrupt but, uh…
Saffron: Oh, right. Peri, how do you fix a broken sword?
Peri: Magic or regular?
Roderick: Definitely magic.
Peri: How many pieces?
Peri: Huh. Weird.
Rose Red: Why weird?
Peri: It’s just that seven doesn’t usually happen by accident… but let’s not worry about that now. That’s should still mean they’re big enough to piece together. To repair a magic sword, and make sure it's actually invincible this time, you need to collect the strongest thing in the land, the most enduring thing in the land, and the most destructive thing in the land.
Tristan: Okay, what’s the strongest thing in the land?
Peri: Well, a few days ago I would have recommended you go over to Mrs. Scorchington and borrow a cup of dragon scales, but now unicorns moved in the neighborhood and that makes their horns the strongest thing in the land.
Nyneve: Uh oh…
Peri: I’m sorry I can’t help you this time, Tristan. But you don’t need an entire horn, just a sliver will do.
Tristan: Th-Thanks Peri. We- we’ll call you back later.
Peri: Good luck!
(Tristan hangs up)
Fred: We have no choice, to have go find the unicorns.
(atmosphere changes to unicorn glen again)
Roderick: This place is lovely! Look at all butterflies.
Tristan: Roderick, shhh! I don’t want the unicorns to know we’re here.
Roderick: Why not? Don’t they come to the aid of anyone who’s pure of heart and noble of intention?
Tristan: They’re uh, a little strict. They got mad at me for high-fiving Nyneve without marrying her.
Roderick: Well, I have been in far too many righteous battles, so I may not pass their “peaceful of mind and serene of soul” clause.
Nyneve: I’m… not always nice.
Rose Red: Neither am I.
Tristan: Nobody’s perfect.
Fred: Exactly, nobody’s perfect. So I suggest you and Rose Red go inside and just do your best.
Rose Red: Why me and Tristan?
Fred: Because you’re the only ones in our group not armed to the teeth. I’m counting sharp mermaid teeth and claws as deadly weapons.
Nyneve: Thank you so much for noticing.
Rose Red: Come on Tristan, let’s get this over with.
(a pause as they step into the cove, then the sound of windchimes again)
Tristan: U-Unicorns, are you here?
Unicorn 1: YOU AGAIN.
Unicorn 2: Leave us! Leave us now! Nowwwww!
Tristan: Please, we’ve come for your help. Innocent people are trapped by a dragon.
Unicorn 1: We’ll decide who’s innocent!
Unicorn 2: Who’s in the trapped party?
Rose Red: Well, there’s Saffron and Peri.
Unicorn 1: and Unicorn 2: *grumble nos*
Tristan: Master Kyorinrin and the gargoyles
Unicorn 1: and Unicorn 2: *more intense grumbling nos*
Rose Red: I saw some cute goblins setting up a projector in there
Unicorn 1: and Unicorn 2: *FRANTIC NOs*
Tristan: Wait, wait! There was also a king in there! Who graciously donated a library! And.. and who’s in love!
Unicorn 1: Oh, which king?
Tristan: King Gunnar of the Land of Eternal Day.
Unicorn 1: and Unicorn 2: *Neigh Wildly*
Unicorn 1: Worst of them! Worst of them!
Unicorn 2: Liar! Stealer! Destroyer!
Rose Red: Okay okay, so he’s a politician.
Unicorn 2: Get out! Get ooouuuuuttt!
Rose Red: Counter offer. What if we help you instead.
Unicorn 1: What?
Rose Red: Your horn is losing that perfect swirl. When was the last time you had it manicured?
Unicorn 2: Not for a while… We’re still getting to know the neighborhood.
Rose Red: Well, I work for Aesop’s pet shop and nails, tusks, and horns of ANY creature are my specialty. How about I give you a free cornicure and you just let me keep the slivers?
Unicorn 1: and Unicorn: 2 Hmmm….
Unicorn 2: Alright!
Unicorn 1: But on one condition!
Rose Red: What?
Unicorn 2: That poncho the boy is knitting-
Unicorn 1: You must use it to clothe the professor’s naked skeleton.
Tristan: Alright, I don’t mind. And I’m sure if Bob only wears it after class is over, then Professor Vasilisa won’t mind either.
Unicorn 1: and Unicorn: 2 Hmmm….
Unicorn 2: At least he’ll be covered most of the time…..
Unicorn 1: Very well! Commence the cornicure!
(setting changes to outside again)
Roderick: Tristan, Rose! Did you succeed?
Rose Red: Yup.
Tristan: And with unicorn horn slivers to spare! It’s all thanks to Rose.
Rose Red: And your poncho.
Tristan: I’m learning that crafts can solve more of life’s problems than you’d think.
Fred: Good job team. We finished a third of our quest!
Nyneve: Yay! Let’s get tacos to celebrate!
Post Credit Scene
Vasilisa: Okay, let’s go over our plans again. We tried negotiating, which did not work.* We tried teleporting, which didn’t work.* We tried goblin tunnels, which didn’t work.* And we tried playing Thin White Duke music which definitely didn’t work.*
(*chalk crossing out plans)
Saffron: You can’t have a plan making montage without music, Vasilisa!
Peri: Yeah, and the dulcet tones of the Duke are making me more pumped up to come up with new plans!
Vasilisa: (dead-pan) good for you.