Episode 23

In Which an Onion Related Curse is Revealed and Tristan Models His Poncho

Peri: Alright… let me get this straight. Uh, So it turns out both the twins are evil. 

Fred: No, just one of them. 

Nyneve: And Witch Wartho’s book? 

Tristan: It was stolen, right? 

Saffron: No it was vandalized. 

Roderick: By my younger brother and his friends, yes? 

Vasilisa: No, by the evil king twin. 

Peri: And which one is that again? 

Roderick: This one. No, that one. I mean, which one was the one holding you all hostage?

King Gunnar: The evil one obviously!

Saffron: Shut up evil twin! Eviler twin?

Roderick: The one Fred stabbed repeatedly with the enchanted sword. That was the good one. 

Tristan: That can’t be right. 

Saffron: So is Manfred going by just Fred right now? I like it!  

Tristan: No Saffron, they’re different people. Sorry Fred, Saffron sometimes has trouble telling humans apart. 

Saffron: Is this like a split personality thing? 

Rose Red: No, Saffron, Manfred is the one with the mustache. Geez. 

Saffron: Let’s agree to circle back to this later. 

Nyneve: I still don’t understand why all our phones and stuff is outside. 

Vasilisa: Because Keyes was plotting against us and spying on us! 

Rose Red: (sarcastic) The mysterious voice who can jump into any conversation whenever he wants? Doing something shady like eavesdropping? Nooooo.

Peri: I still don’t understand how one evil king became two evil kings!

Roderick: Once again, there is only ONE evil king. 

Kyorinrin: Oh dear, this is most perplexing. 

Rose Red: Let’s try starting at the same place. What happened after we left the library? 

Saffron: Oooh, I got this. Goblins, it’s show time!

Scoodie: Goblins Players Proudishly Presents: The Events of Today!

Rose Red: Um… What? 

Saffron: I got bored waiting for rescue, so the goblins and I put together a theatre troupe. I recently rediscovered my love for acting. 

(Saffron casts a spell and background music AND/OR sound effects start playing)

Peri: Ohhhh! The goblins look so cute in their little costumes. 

Saffron: Our story begins after you lot disappeared with the book. The gargoyles starting screeching like a heavy metal band! It pretty much put a stop to Vasilisa’s boring lecture. We all went to to check out what happened and 

Smock: dum dum daaa!

Saffron: - Witch Wartho’s book was gone. 

Satchet: Scoodie: Smock: Oh nooooo!

Saffron: And then Peri was like: 

Satchet: as Peri: Nobodies, and I mean nobodies, gets pasts my firewall!

Saffron: So we figured the book you stole was a fake. And that meant someone must have taken the real thing before you got here, and THAT someone must have been whitelisted by Peri. The white list is pretty short, so we didn’t have many suspects. 

Vasilisa: Wait a minute, how did Tristan, Nyneve and Rose Red magic themselves away with the fake? There’s no way three freshmen students could manage to do teleportation spells that advanced. 

Saffron: Stop interrupting with unimportant details, Vasilisa! So Anyway, since Peri, Vasilisa, and Master Kyorinrin all had alibis, we started to point fingers at King Gunnar here. But then Vasilisa was all: 

Smock: as Vasilisa: Wait ya’ll, King Gunnar has most to gain from bookie, why would he destroys it? 

Vasilisa: I never said “Ya’ll” in my life. 

Saffron: What did I just say about interrupting? So then King Gunnar confused Vasilisa trying to think logically with Vasilisa hitting on him. You know how some guys are, and he was all. 

Scoodie: as Gunnar: Vasilisa the Very Pretties and also The Pretty Smarty, would you be the Queenie of the Lands of Sun Sun? 

Saffron: And Vasilisa totally shot him down because waaaaaay too soon, right? But Gunnar proposing triggered the curse and the Lindwyrm attacked! And then suddenly, Keyes was all: 

Satchet: as Keyes: YOU FOOL!

Saffron: Which was mad suspicious, right? And then it got even weirder because then Gunnar was all: 

Scoodie: as Gunnar: BUT WE HADS A DEAL!

Saffron: So we knew for sure that something shifty was up, and it definitely involved these two being in cahoots. So we got rid of anything with a microphone or speaker so that Keyes couldn’t eavesdrop on us while we tried to figure out what was going on. Then we like, argued and stuff, and then tried a few escape attempts, rocked to some Thin White Duke music, and then you showed up! The end! Goblins, take a bow! 

Peri: (clapping) Bravo! Bravo!

(stop sound effect spell or music)

Rose Red: I got this. So you guys notice that onion smell everywhere. So gross. Apparently Lindwyrm and Gunnar’s mom couldn’t have kids so she asked this witch for help (always a bad idea), and she gave these magic onions, right. And like, one helped make a normal baby, which is Gunnar, if you can call him normal, and something was wrong with the other onion or junk, cuz the other baby came wrapped up in cursed monster skin. Seven layers of it by our count. The obvious moral of the story is don’t trust witches. They’re bad. Burn their stuff. 

Peri: Rose Red, this is very narrow-minded of you. 

Nyneve: It’s cool, she has a tragic backstory to go with her prejudices. 

Peri: That is NOT-!

Rose Red: ANYWAY. So like, King Lindwyrm, that guy that covered in onion slime over here, explained how he spent his life cursed and how his brother tried to cover it all up. 

King Gunnar: You don’t understand, I did what I did to save the kingdom! 

Peri: We’re listening… 

King Gunnar: The Lindwyrm was firstborn, so I had to do whatever I could to keep him from the throne. A powerful spell was cast to keep him far from me and my people, as long as I forsake all chances at love. 

Saffron: That’s a really weird catch. 

King Gunnar: It was a terrible sacrifice to make, but I did it in service to my kingdom. 

King Lindwyrm: But you knew! You knew that the real me was trapped inside!

King Gunnar: I had no choice! I didn’t know how to free you and I couldn’t let you seize the throne and terrorize the kingdom!

King Lindwrym: So you leave your own brother to to suffer for years!? 

Saffron: Guys, shut up for a second. Let’s back up to that super weird “forever alone” clause King Goon had. A professional godparent wouldn’t have that many strings attached. 

Peri: Yeah, and even if that did happen, you could have filed a complaint. I’m sure they would have processed and rectified it. 

Saffron: Unless he didn’t go through proper channels! Unless he went to a rogue agent instead! Why didn’t you go to a professional godparent ya Goon? 

King Gunnar: Well, you see… I, uh, well… 

Fred: Because he didn’t want his brother cured. Because if his brother was human again, then Lindwyrm and not Gunnar would be king.

Peri: And let me guess, the person you asked for help was - 

Keyes: None other than me!

Saffron: Keyes!

Peri: But, but, where is his voice coming from??

Keyes: I must thank you again Miss Rose Red for your excellent suggestion of adding an elevator. 

Rose Red: *groans* The emergency button! It has a mic and speaker!

Keyes: Indeed, it does. And yes, cleaning up family scandals has always been a specialty of mine. Ever heard of King Chromar’s mad brother who believes he’s a goose? 

Peri: Uh, no? I thought King Chromar was an only child. 

Keyes: You can see why I’m in such demand.  

Saffron: So you’re the PR guy for the Academy, for the Good Company, and for Eternal Day’s Royal Family? 

Keyes: I go where my services are needed. 

King Gunnar: But Keyes betrayed me! He promised that if I burned the book, then he’d undo the spell that kept me from finding true love! So yes, I stole Witch Wartho’s book. I replaced it with a clever fake. And I threw it in the fireplace while everyone was preparing for the lecture. But it’s all Keyes’ fault, he’s the one who lied to me!

Keyes: In my defense, I thought he’d at least wait until he returned to his own kingdom before he started to butcher his love life. But friends! Is this not a happy ending? 

Kyorinrin: Happy? A book is destroyed and it’s ashes are scattered all over my nice new reading room. How can you possibly call this situation happy? 

Keyes: How? Why, was the book not destroyed before it could do harm to another?

Rose Red: I mean, I’m happy about that. 

Vasilisa: But - 

Keyes: The long lost king is freed from the evil spell and can now take his rightful place on the throne. Is that not happy? 

King Lindwyrm: I’m certainly grateful. 

Peri: But - 

Keyes: And the jealous, conniving brother can at be brought justice at last. 

Saffron: Eh, that does sound like a sweet deal. King Gunnar, I officially place you under godparent arrest for abetting a monster curse and ruling a kingdom under false pretenses. 

King Gunnar: But miss Saffron, surely you see that - 

Saffron: Save it for the judge. Take him away, sir knights!

King Gunnar: Wait, you don’t want to do this!

Nyneve: Sure we do, I love royal court proceedings! 

Fred: Come on Roderick, let’s go take Gunnar and Lindwyrm back to their kingdom. 

Roderick: Oh, I’m so sorry Fred, but you’re going to have to stay behind. 

Fred: WHAT?!

Roderick: Fred, please see reason. We have a long lost king with an evil twin, a gallant and classically handsome hero, and a lady knight with a fiery spirit and kind eyes. This is a love triangle just waiting to happen. 

Fred: No, it’s not!

Lindwyrm: He’s right. Technically, I already proposed marriage to you. 

Fred: I don’t want to marry you! It was just a trick.

Roderick: That’s how a lot of these complications start. Sorry Sir Fred, I can’t take that risk.

Fred: This is unbelievable. Come on Roderick, you can’t possibly be this idiotic? 

Roderick: Please understand, I don’t mean this personally. 

Lindwyrm: Forgive us, Sir Fred, but we can’t afford to waste any time. There’s a decades old crime to rectify. 

Fred: Just go.

(elevator dings)

Saffron: Ugh, so rude. That’s why I went into godparenting instead of taking the “chivalry” route. You don’t want to go on a trip with idiots, anyhow, do you Fred? 

Vasilisa: I better go too, I have an afternoon class to teach. 

Nyneve: I think we have to go to that class. 

Rose Red: Uh, professor? Conspiring to destroy the source of your new research isn’t gonna cost us grade-wise, is it? 

Vasilisa: Well, you did try to hinder the course of magical science. 

Nyneve: But lookit, Tristan made Bob a poncho!

Tristan: It’s meant to keep Bob from getting kidnapped again. 

Vasilisa: It will protect Bob, you say? Yes, I see what you mean. 

Nyneve: Yeah, and it will show off his milk boney complexion. Tristan, model it. 

Tristan: Huh? Oh, okay. 

(Tristan pulls poncho on with a muffled wool sound)

Tristan: And uh, I can also assure you that it’s warm and cozy. 

Vasilisa: Alright, since you did ultimately fail to destroy Witch Wartho’s book yourself, I’ll let it go. Come on, let’s go back to the academy. 

(elevator dings)

Kyorinrin: If you excuse me ladies, I have rare book ashes scattered all over the reading room. Kind gobins, will you assist me with the task of cleaning it up? 

Smock: Sure! I’ll get the wash-em-aways. 

Satchet: I’ll get the cleaningers. 

Scoodie: And I’ll get the tidy-ups. 

Peri: Bye goblins, stay out of trouble!

Saffron: Wow, what a crazy morning. Fred, are you going to be okay? 

Fred: Yeah… I guess I should be used to that by now. 

Peri: No you shouldn’t, that wasn’t fair. I wish I said something. 

Saffron: You uh, wanna go get “Manfred” and join them? Fairies are great at makeovers ya know!

Peri: What do makeovers have to - 

Fred: It’s fine. I uh… I don’t think Manfred is up for an idiots-only trip. And I need to catch up on some sleep anyway. *Sigh* Maybe I should have accepted that offer from the Queen of the North. 

(thunderous sound, like an earthquake)

Saffron: Peri: Fred: Aaaaggh 

Saffron: What was that? 

Peri: It sounds like the Lindwyrm again. 

Fred: It can’t be. 

Saffron: I’ll go check it out. 

(Magic flying sound effect)

Peri: What do you see? 

Saffron: Well, it’s not A Lindwyrm.

Peri: It’s not? 

Saffron: Nope, it’s six Lindwyrms. 

Fred: WHAT?!

Saffron: What, you doubt my counting skills? 

Fred: No, it’s just that I- I thought I- 

(another earthquake sound)

Saffron: Peri: Fred: Aaaaggh! 

Peri: Where did they all come from?

Fred: And what happened to the - oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. 

Saffron: What is it? 

Fred: Didn’t you notice that - 

(sound of a claw taking the roof of the library)

Peri: Holy smokes, that Lindwyrm just took off a chunk of the roof! 

Saffron: The old one couldn’t do that! 

Peri: Yeah, to get through stone that thick, you’d have to have something as strong as- as strong as- 

Fred: Mermaid claws? 

Saffron: You don’t mean? 

Fred: Didn’t you notice that the seven monster skins are nowhere to be found?

Peri: You can’t mean?! 

Fred: The one with the claws must be Nyneve. I think, the moody one over there is Rose Red. 

(another crash)

Saffron: Peri: Fred: Whoah!  

Saffron: Those two twin Lindwyrms must be Goon and Lindy. 

Fred: The one that keeps flying head first into the glass windows must be Roderick.

Peri: And I think the one trying to take apart the chimney must be Vasilisa. 

Fred: But seven people left the library, and there were seven monster skins. What happened to- 

(another crash)

Saffron: Peri: Fred: Aaagh *or* Whoah!  

Peri: Oh no, Tristan! What happened to Tristan? 

Post Credit Scene

(unicorns dial phone)

Unicorn 1: IT’S RINGING


Rose Red: Hi. You reached Aesop’s Pet Shop. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I finish my classes. If I feel like it. 

Unicorn 1: We would like to schedule another cornicure! 

Unicorn 2: Horns Magazine says spirals are passe! Antelope-style ruffles are IN!

Unicorn 1: Pencil us in as early as possible.