Episode 24

In Which the Lindwyrms Attack and Crochet Comes in Handy Again

Peri: What do you think happened to Tristan? 

Saffron: Uuuuuuh, do you think Lindwyrms are cannibalistic? 

Peri: *gasps* You think the other Lindwyrms ATE the Tristan Lindwyrm? 

Saffron: *trying to cheer up Peri* Or maybe he ran away!

Fred: Doubtful, Tristan’s never been that athletic. You could probably tell from his posture. If the eating theory is correct, then I better slash him out of there as soon as possible. Now.... Which Lindwyrm do you think did it? 

(elevator dings)

Fred: Saffron: Peri: Tristan! 

Peri: What happened out there? 

Saffron: Why didn’t you get Lindwyrmed? 

Fred: And uh, what’ that crawling up your leg? 

Tristan: This? It’s the monster skin that tried to take over me. I can’t shake it off. Can… Can I sit down please? (voice is breaking near the end)

Peri: Easy does it, Tristan. 

(Tristan sits down)

Saffron: There you go. Now let’s try to pull this monster skin off of you…. *Grrrggghhh* PHeW!* That thing is STUCK. 

Tristan: You can’t get it off? 

Saffron: Tristan, I’ve been able to take off leggings after an all-you-can-eat buffet. Believe me when I say that thing will not be removed through conventional means. Hey Fred, hand me your sword. 

Fred: I don’t think that’s wise. 

Saffron: Why not? If it can cut through monster skin, then it can peel off monster skin!

Tristan: A-Are you sure that’s safe?  

Saffron: Relax Tristan, you’re acting as if I never shaved my legs before. 

Fred: You can’t expect us to believe that you shave your legs with a sword. 

Peri: I know for a fact that she magics her legs smooth. And anyway, if it goes off Tristan it might just attack someone else. Someone who may not get off so lucky. 

Fred: Or worse, it might split into seven pieces like the original did. 

Saffron: Oooh, nice call, Per. I have no desire to find out what my Lindwyrm persona would be like. 

Peri: I think mine would be able to breathe fire. 

Fred: Probably, since Nyneve kept her claws. I wonder what my Lindsona would look like. 

Saffron: It doesn’t matter how awesome we’d look like as Lindwyrms, if we’re gonna stink like onions the whole time! And then there’s that whole mind controlling factor that I’m not a fan of. 

Peri: Hey, I meant to ask earlier. Tristan, why aren’t you mind-controlled and Lindwyrmed like the rest of them? 

Tristan: I- I don’t know. Just lucky, I guess? 

Fred: I don’t believe in luck. Think hard. What exactly happened out there? 

Tristan: I just remember this thing lunging at me. Then bouncing off. Then going straight for my legs. And staying there. 

Fred: Huh, that’s weird…. It must be the poncho. 

Saffron: Let an expert take a look. Yes, I’m definitely sensing magic in these stitches. 

Peri: Tristan, what kind of pattern did you use? 

Tristan: Nothing in particular, I just used the same pattern I used for the last poncho I made. Oh, except when the unicorns told me to make it for Bob, I started to play around a little. 

Saffron: Play around how? 

Tristan: I don’t know, I just thought I’d like to make a pattern that would keep him safe, something kidnap-proof. 

Saffron: And that’s just what you made! 

Tristan: I did? 

Saffron: You sure did! 

Peri: Human magic users need tools! I guess your knitting needle - 

Tristan: Crochet Hook - 

Peri: Whatever that thing is, it’s like your magic wand. 

Tristan: Do you think it would work with knitting needles? 

Saffron: Magic works with whatever you’re most comfortable with! Peri uses Fire and Technology, Cassie and Andy use celestial magic, and as a fairy, I draw from the neverending and ever-devastating powers of chaos. 

Fred: This is no time for a discussion on Applied Magics! Saffron, can you use your fairy magic to transform our friends back? 

(rumbling noises from outside)

Saffron: I can’t, there’s nothing to transform. There’s still themselves, just trapped under layers of evil onion magic.

Tristan: I… I’m *hyperventilates*

Fred: Teleport them out? 

Peri: I wouldn’t recommend that. We can’t guarantee safe extraction, and then we’d have 7x6, 42, Lindwyrm skins waiting to possess more people. 

Saffron: Ugh, I am not in the mood for a Lindapocalypse today!

Peri: You okay, Tristan? You don’t look so good. 

Tristan: Do you have any… crochet hooks? I… *deep breath* dropped mine outside. 

Saffron: I can magic you some. What do they look like again? Like a fish hook, right?

Peri: I think they’re like… longer and not quite as claw-ish. 

Fred: Can we google a picture? 

Peri: All our phones and stuff are outside. 

Saffron: Okay, how about - 

Tristan: *Takes another shaky breath*

Saffron: Hey, the goblins are cleaning in the next room, why don’t you go pick up a mop and join them? 

Tristan: M-m-mop? 

Saffron: Sure, housework is like the cousin of needlework, right? You won’t feel the difference. Now go go go!

Tristan: Oh-Okay. 

Saffron: Phew, nervous breakdown averted! 

Peri: I hate to say this, but Keyes, do you have any ideas? 

Keyes: Saffron just came from an alternate dimension, did she not? Why not teleport the Lindwyrms there? Then the infestation can be THEIR problem. 

Saffron: That is wrong on so many levels. 

Peri: I knew I’d regret asking. 

Keyes: I see no down-side to this excellent plan. 

Saffron: Trust me, that dimension has enough problems!

(SPLASH sound)

Tristan: Hey!

Scoodie: Satchet: Smock: *giggle*

Peri: Goblins! I told you stay out of trouble. 

Kyorinrin: Oh dear, they’ve gotten lye water all over that dashing new poncho.

Tristan: I’m fine, don’t worry, it was just an accident. 

Peri: I highly doubt - *gasp* Tristan!

Tristan: What? 

Fred: Your Lindwyrm skin is off! 

Peri: Oh no, is it crawling around the library somewhere? 

Saffron: I don’t think so, I can’t smell onions anymore. Just a nice fresh lemony scent. 

Keyes: Oh yes, lye water, of course! Helps with difficult stains AND multi-layered plant based curses! I was going to suggest that in case exiling them from our dimension didn’t work. 

Peri: Okay, first off, that should have STARTED with that suggestion, and second, why “of course”. 

Keyes: I simply mean that it worked last time. 

Saffron: What do you mean last time, I never heard of anything like this happening before. 

Kyorinrin: Nor did I, and there’s certainly no record of it in any of our books. 

Keyes: Well... not anymore.

Fred: Not anymore…? Witch Wartho’s book! You read it before Gunnar burned it? 

Peri: He couldn’t have, it was written in code! I only managed to decrypt the first few pages before we lost it. 

Keyes: It was not code, it was just a language that’s been dead for some time. 

Kyorinrin: Keyes, just exactly how old are you, and, as a follow up question, where were you the night the Great Library burned down?

Keyes: Oh dear, I have another appointment. I think today, if anything, helped you appreciate how highly in demand my services are. Good luck untangling your little mess. 

Saffron: Keyes!

Peri: Hey! Why did you want that book burned so badly? Keyes! 

Fred: He’s gone. Right now we need to focus on our more immediate problem. We need lye water. We need super soakers. We need water balloons! 

Saffron: Oooh, I like where this plan is going!

Scoodie: Goblins help? 

Peri: Of course you can! I can’t believe you clever little things figured out how to how to beat the curse!

Smock: Uh yeah, that was what we was doing. 

Satchet: Was not trying to make it look like Tristan pee-peed his pants or nothing. Nuh-uh!

Fred: Goblins, djinn, fairies, book dragons and students. ATTEN-TION. 

Saffron: Kyorinrin: Scoodie: Smock: Satchet: Tristan: Peri: YES SIR! 

Fred: Fairy division, distribute the weapons of war. 

Saffron: Sir, yes Sir!

(Saffron magics lye filled water balloons and lye water guns to everyone)

Scoodie: Oooh Squishy water balloons!

Fred: Your targets are six Lindwyrms outside. Draw them close to the ground before shooting, to avoid having their normal selves fall to their death. On my mark. Ready…. Aim… FIRE. 

(Sounds of lots of splashes, a small water battle)

Fred: Cease fire! 

Tristan: Did we save everyone? 

Fred: Let’s go check for casualties.

(elevator button dings)

(change ambient noise to outside)

Fred: Roderick! Are you okay? 

Roderick: Fine… just fine… Bit of a headache actually. 

Lindwyrm: Sir Fred, you saved me not once but twice today. I owe you my life! I offer you my life, if you’ll have me. 

Fred: Still not interested in marrying you, sorry. 

Vasilisa: What is with this family and premature proposals. And why are my fingernails so sooty?

Lindwyrm: I understand and respect your decision, Sir Fred, but not without disappointment. 

Roderick: Smart move, Sir Fred! Marrying would deprive the world of such a fine lady knight as yourself. 

Fred: You know, you can have a career and get married, it’s not… you know what, I’m too tired for this. I’m going home to nap for a few days. 

Roderick: I’ll walk with you, surely Manfred would like to hear all about our adventure. 

Fred: NO. Don’t call me OR Manfred for a few days. And while you’re at it, don’t contact my “brother” Alfred Englebert the Archer, or my brother Frederic the Troll Slayer, or my sister Fierce Freida the Falconer. 

Roderick: Ah, going on a family vacation, are you? 

Fred: Uh, sure. Bye everyone! 

Saffron: Bye Fred! I have no idea what you have going on, but I want you to know that I was put through rigorous space sensitivity training and I respect whatever the heck it is! 

Roderick: I’ll just escort these two kings back to their homeland. 

Kyorinrin: And I’ll go look up if the insurance on our new library covers monster attacks. 

Tristan: Nyneve, Rose Red, are you alright? 

Rose Red: Yeah, yeah, thanks for the rescue and all, but what took you so dang long?

Tristan: Sorry, it’s just that - 

Nyneve: It felt like we were stuck like that for aaaaaages! Couldn’t you have rescued us sooner? 

Peri: Sure we could have, if we still had that book, we would have been able to look up a cure right away. 

Saffron: I thought you said it took a long time to decipher? 

Peri: Shush! I’m trying to make a point! 

Vasilisa: They’re young, they still have time to learn. Come on students, back to the academy. 

Tristan: Professor, may I be excused for the day? I think we accidentally stumbled onto an ancient mystery while talking to Keyes, and I’d really like to see it through. 

Vasilisa: Sure, you can make up for the missed classes by writing an essay on your findings. Use a spell check this time. 

Tristan: Yes, professor. And thank you. 

Rose Red: Bye Tristan, see you later. 

Nyneve: Bye bye Tristan, thanks for helping to get my lovely mermaid tail back. I really missed it. 

Tristan: Oh, I didn’t do anything, just got in the way of a goblin prank. 

Peri: Prank?! 

Scoodie: Big Boss Peri, we help dragon-book-dragon with cleaning now, okie dokes? 

Peri: And? 

Smock: We sort through messages at Magic Support Office? 

Peri: AND? 

Satchet: And we go to Thrushbeard to get yummy lunchy-lunch for everyone?

Saffron: Oooh, that sounds nice! I need to compensate for all those calories I burned saving the world so many times. 

Scoodie: Okay, we go now! 

Scoodie: Satchet: Smock: Byyyeeeeee

Tristan: So Peri, where do we start? 

Saffron: Yeah, it sounds like there’s something in the book Keyes didn’t want us to know. 

Peri: Yes, I think that something’s the most likely key to solving the mystery of our weird PR guy. 

Saffron: But how can we find out if Keyes destroyed every trace of it?

Peri: Well, he destroyed all physical traces, right? That still leaves a lot of other forms in which knowledge can survive!

Saffron: Yeah? 

Tristan: How do you mean? 

Peri: I mean there might not be any books with the information we need, but maybe there’s people who know! A lot of knowledge gets passed down in oral tradition. 

Saffron: Oooh, why do I sense a road trip? 

Peri: Because that’s just what we’re going to do! We’re going to travel across the desert to my homeland, we’re going to find the hakawati!

Post Credit Scene

Peri: No, no, no it’s “Hakawati”

Saffron: Hickory whatsy?

Peri: Hakawati 

Saffron: Hakuna Watati? 

Peri: HA KA WA TI

Saffron: … Taika Waititi?

Peri: No! I mean, well, he’s sort of a hakawati. 

Saffron: Nailed it.